Mainstream Joke Department

A mathematical joke, that I really appreciate. Spankings are fun but math makes one think especially if you have to count the smacks. LOL

Thank you, CS! I can't believe I didn't get that until now!

Here's one about the importance of communicating:

A brother and sister, aged 5 and 6, are still sharing the same room. One day they ask their mother why people sometimes use dirty words, and their mother, a bit flustered, tells them adults do it to add emphasis to what they are saying. That night in their room they get talking, and try to find out if either knows a dirty word. They both have think long and hard, but eventually the little boy thinks up the word 'fuck' and the little girl thinks up the word 'shit'. They both agree those are dirty words, and drift off to sleep.

The next morning they go down to breakfast, and their mother asks them what they want for breakfast.

Because she was feeling hungry, the little girl decides to "emphasise" her request.

"Aw shit, I think I'll have the cornflakes."

The mother freaks. She grabs her daughter, yanks down the girl's PJs, and starts whaling the girl's butt. The little boy's eyes get bigger and bigger as he watches his sister get it.

Finally, the mother gets control back, and sends her daughter off to the corner.

"And WHAT," she demands from her son, her voice shaking with emotion, "Do you want for breakfast."

Thinking fast, the boy replies with emphasis "I sure as fuck don't want no cornflakes."

(Note: I've heard of multiple versions of this one but this is the version I heard first. Sometimes it's two little boys or two little girls in the joke. Sometimes it's the father who asks what they want for breakfast and spanking. Sometimes it's the father kicking the first kid's butt all the way to the kids' room and locking him in. While the details change, the punchline remains the same: since the adult didn't explain why he/she was freaking out the second kid assumes it was because of what the first kid asked for rather than the swearing.)

I do liike math jokes although many of them only seem to make sense if you drive up in a Ford Torus. One of my favorite limericks is a math joke, more or less:

A mathematician named Hall
has a hexonahedronal ball
the cube of its weight
plus his pecker, times eight
is his phone number, give him a call.

(I did a spanking version of this for the Library)

But the math pun you are responding to reminds me of a some that are more or less similar puns, although not mathematical. Here is one:

A man stepped out of his bathtub only to find that his wife had replaced the bath mat with a newspaper. "Ah," he said, "These are the Times that dry men's soles."

I am also fond of the so-called "Tom-Swifty" in which an adverb plays off the rest of the sentence. These are named for the old "Tom Swift" series of children's adventure books, in which most lines of dialog end with an adverb describing the manner of speech. The classic Tom Swifty is perhaps this:

"Is Elizabeth cold?", Tom asked icily.

My favorite double-barreled Tom Swifty:

"I used to be a criminal pilot" he ex-planed con-descendingly.

As the doctor told his alcoholic patient: "Is life worth living? That depends on the liver."

A prisoner in the dock sees three bewigged midgets enter and seat themselves on the judges' bench. "Ah," he murmurs, "these little things are sent to try us."

Three people had died and their souls were ascending up to heaven. On the way they passed three eagles.

"Ah, eagles!" said one of the souls.

But, being polite, the eagles didn't reply.

1st hippy: Hey man, turn on the radio!

2nd hippy: Hey radio. I dig your groovy knobs!

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile (as one does).

"Hey, you can't bring that thing in here," the barman called. "It's far too dangerous."

"No, its perfectly tame," the man replied. "Here I will demonstrate. If everyone agrees to buy me a pint, I will place my wedding tackle in its mouth for for a minute."

There was a murmured discussion and then everyone agreed. So the man dropped his pants, carefully pried the crocodile's jaws apart and placed his most prized possessions in its mouth.

Everyone held their breath while the barman counted down the time. At the end of 60 seconds, the man gave the crocodile a sharp tap on the head with an empty beer bottle and the crocodile opened its jaws to rapturous applause.

"See, I told you," the man said. "It is perfectly safe. Would anyone else like to try it?"

The men all backed away, but a little old lady that no-one had noticed sitting in the corner spoke up:

"Yes, I would," she said, before adding "But don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."