Mainstream Joke Department

This reminds me that in the classic 1939 film of Wuthering Heights Cathy (Merle Oberon), speaking of Heathcliff, utters these immortal words; "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

Ok, it's a direct quote from the novel; but you'd think somebody at the studio might have noticed...

Well, Alan Barr and PhilK, it was the late, great Jeffrey Bernard who posed the problem of the country-house guest who has, during a drunken evening, undertaken to say "Arseholes" to the hostess three times before breakfast is over.
He is rescued by the fact that one of the items on the breakfast side table is a plate of pan-fried soles. "Ah, soles," he says. "They are soles, aren't they? Are soles expensive?"

Then there's the Irish observation (following tiptopper's goat joke) that some Irish see as a joke; others take it as a point of faith: The English are living proof that Welshmen shag sheep.

Wonder what he'd have done if they were serving kippers?

Little John's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Little John's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little John's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little John told his dad he understood completely. When Little John looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Little John. Little John said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little John, 'coz he'd be in deep trouble if he needed glasses.

A mushroom once went to the Vegetable Ball. At first everyone looked at him rather askance. "Why," sneered an asparagus, "he's not even a real vegetable!"

But the mushroom chatted so charmingly, and cut such lively capers on the dance floor, that he soon won everybody over. "You know," murmured one susceptible young carrot to another, "for a mushroom he's a real fun guy!"

It was the first day of school in Carterville, Tennessee, and Miss Watson, the teacher, hoped to make the history lessons for her sixth grade class more interesting. She wanted to study each of the American presidents, and decided to start off by showing the kids an artifact she had borrowed from a local museum, a felt hat that had belonged to Tennessee's own Andrew Jackson. She noticed that Scotty Walker seemed a little shy, so she called on him to help her. She took the hat from it's box and asked him to carry it to a table in the back of the room where it would be on display for the rest of the school day.
Miss Watson was horrified when, halfway back to the table, Scotty let the hat fall to the floor. She ran to the hat, picked it up, and carefully placed it on the table. Then she grabbed Scotty's ear, led him to her desk, yanked down his pants and underpants, and told him to bend over. She grabbed her paddle from where it was hanging on the wall, and gave Scotty five hard licks. When she was through she said, "Now you can pull up your pants and return to your seat. I hope that teaches you to be more careful in the future."
At the end of the school day, Miss Watson noticed Scotty rubbing his still sore bottom as he walked toward the door. Despite being so strict, she really had a tender heart, and called out to the boy. "Scotty, I'm sorry I spanked you. President Jackson's hat is a valuable artifact, and it is borrowed. But you didn't hurt it, and I know you didn't drop it on purpose."
"That's OK, Miss Watson. I just wish I had taken the Riley twins more seriously, when they told me about you."
"The Riley twins. Yes, they were in my class last year. What did they say about me?"
"They said you'd spank someone at the drop of a hat."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb really has to want to change.

Here are three different versions of the same joke:
A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure." the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

----

Like every Thursday afternoon, this mom was cleaning her 14-year-old son's room and in a cupboard she found what without doubt was a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him:
– Well what should we do about this?
The dad looked at her and said:
– Well, for one thing, we shouldn't spank him.

-----

And here it is, again, expanded on (because I couldn't find the above joke quickly enough and rewrote it).

One day, while Junoir was out, Mom called Dad into junoir's room for a little talk.
"I was cleaning Junoir's room today and I found some magazines and books in his closet..." Mom began.
"Heh. I still remember my first Playboy." Dad said with a grin.
"Playboys I could handle, but these aren't Playboys." Mom answered, revealing her son's stash.
And they weren't. Dad stared at the collection, trying to make sense of it. One cover had woman spanking another woman while another showed a woman spanking a man and the third showed a men spanking a woman. Then there were the books; one was titled "Cheerleaders Taught!" while the other was "The Naughty Nephew". Both covers had crude illustrations of the title characters over knees getting their bare bottoms spanked.
"What should we do about this?" Mom asked.
Flipping through one of the magazines, Dad said: "Well, one thing's for sure. We shouldn't spank him."

Three old ladies are discussing gowing old over a cup of coffee.
The first old lady says, " By the time I walk to the store I've forgotten what I came for."
The second one say, " By the time I get to the bedroom I can't remeber if I'm getting up or going to bed."
The third old lady says, "Well my memory is just fine, touch wood." and wraps her knuckles on the coffee table.
Then says, "Hold on, someone's at the door."

This is a true political joke I remember from studying American history. Abraham Lincoln's first Secretary of War was a certain Simon Cameron, who was extremely corrupt. Rumours got to Lincoln. In the presence of the acerbic Republican congressman Thaddeus Stevens, Lincoln asked,

"Is Cameron honest?"

"Is Cameron honest?" Stevens replied, "He wouldn't steal a red-hot stove." Some friends of Cameron were present and protested.

"Right. I said Cameron wouldn't steal a red-hot stove," Stevens replied. "I withdraw that allegation."