Mainstream Joke Department

my favorite church joke was there was this very wealthy man and he wanted to take it with him so he prays and prays for the right to take it with him. Finally the Lord agrees and he turns all his money into gold bricks that he carries around in this reinforced carpet bag. He dies and goes to the pearly gates and he has the carpet bag with him. Saint Peter says that he can not bring the bag in with him that all worldly goods must be left outside. The wealthy man says that he has been given permission by the Lord and Saint Peter doublechecks and sees that he does have permission. So he asks what was so important on Earth to bring it with him so he opens the bag and Saint Peter looks in and says why did you want to bring pavement with you?
Jim

ha

another one i heard goes like this : a man suspects his wife of having an affair so goes about to catch her in the act. he leaves for work, but goes to a diner and has coffee then rushes back to his 5th floor apartment his wife is in bed and does have an guilty look, but there is no one in bed with her. he looks under the bed and there is nobody there he throws open the closet and there is nobody there. he looks all over the apartment but there is nobody there. he is looking behind the curtains and he sees this man running away from the side door so he gets mad and throws the nearest object he can find out the window. it is a refrigerator. the refrigerator falls on the running man and kills him, but the strain of lifting and throwing the refrigerator gives the man in the apartment a heart attack and he dies. The next scene is 3 men are standing before Saint Peter and he says that they will be able to come in if they say how they died. The 1st man says "i was running to catch my bus and this refrigerator falls on me from above and kills me. Saint Peter says you may go in. The 2nd man says "i lost my temper and threw a refrigerator out the 5th floor window, but the strain gave me a heart attack and i died. Saint Peter says "you can go in." the 3rd man says "well i really don't know how i got here, i was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own business and the next thing i know i'm here!" have a great day
Jim

I have no idea why, and can certainly not justify it, but one of my all time favorites (that is both clean and short) is:

Question: How do you catch a rabbit?

Answer: You hide in the grass and make a sound like a carrot.

There are many variations of this, including catching a squirrel by climbing a tree and acting like a nut, but there is something about making a sound like a carrot...

When I started this topic I was hoping that there would be some more jokes about spanking in addition to the one that I related but so far there has only been one. I guess spanking jokes are few and far between. So I might as well put in a non-spanking joke myself.

An American tourist stopped in a pub in Scotland. A glum looking man came in and sat down next to him and started complaining.

"Life is so unfair. Look at that wall out in front. I built that wall and many like it. Do they call me Mac Gregor the Wall Builder? No they do not."

"See that boat out on the lake? I built many a boat just as good as that. Do they call me Mac Gregor the Boat Builder?" No, not at all."

"See that house across the road? I built that house. I built dozens of houses. Do they call me Mac Gregor the House Builder? No they do not."

"But you fuck just ONE goat..."

A man walks into an antique shop in an old Mediterranean town and sees a beautiful carved jade rat. "How much is that?" he asks. "A thousand euro," says the antique dealer. "And if you want the story that goes with it, that's another thousand." "No thanks," says the man, "I'll just take the rat." He pays for it, leaves the shop and crosses the road to the street that leads down to the harbour.

As he's crossing the road, he notices a rat come up out of a drain. "Odd coincidence," he thinks. On the other side, he sees two more rats emerge. As he starts down towards the harbour, he sees more rats coming out of drains, waste lots and basements. Passers-by are staring at him, alarmed, and backing away. He looks behind him. Dozens of rats are following close at his heels.

He increases his pace. Pretty soon he's running. Behind him the street is a grey flowing carpet of rats - thousands of them. He's now running full tilt downhill towards the harbour. He reaches the harbour wall and with all his remaining strength hurls the jade rat as far as he can out into the sea. All the rats surge past him into the water and drown.

The man sits down and wipes his face. After a bit he stands up, makes his way shakily back up the hill and re-enters the antique shop. "Ah," says the dealer, "you've come back for the story?"

"No," says the man. "I was just wondering - do you happen to have a jade lawyer?"

Prepare to groan ...

A therapist, addressing his patient's lifelong love of being spanked, asks her what she thinks caused her kink.

She shrugs. "Beats me," she says.

Not the greatest but it IS a joke about spanking...

Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day he broke a window, so his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about what you've done, Johnny, and I'll be up to give you a spanking."
Johnny sat upstairs in his room, scared because he'd never gotten a spanking and didn't know what it was going to be like. About 20 minutes later, his dad comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.
Johnny sat there afterwards, crying and upset. Suddenly he stopped, pulled his pants down, and backed up to the mirror. He gasped in shock at what he saw, then pulled his pants back up.
He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you satisfied now, Daddy? You cracked it!"

Until 1867, Alaska was a Russian colony. It's told that, sometime in the 1840s, an intrepid Russian Orthodox priest crossed the Bering Strait and travelled up the Yukon River to a settlement of the Yukon Indians. There he sought out their chief and announced that he had come to preach the gospel of the One True God.

Rather than slaughtering this impertinent intruder, the chief tolerantly responded, "You may speak to my people. Whether they heed you is up to them." He called the tribe together and told them, "This man is our guest, and has something he wishes to say to you. Hear him with courtesy."

The priest preached to the Yukons, telling them of the One True God. When he'd finished the tribe's Medicine Man said scornfully, "That is all very well. But we have our own gods. What proof can you offer that yours is better?"

Racking his brain, the priest recalled the Old Testament story of Elijah and the priests of Baal. "Pile up two stacks of kindling wood," he said. "Then each of us will pray to our respective gods to set the wood alight."

The wood was stacked, and the Yukon Medicine Man danced round his pile, chanting loudly. After a long while a small trickle of smoke arose from the wood.

"Not bad," said the priest. "Now it's my turn." He took out his most holy relic, a sacred icon of Saint Nikifor, placed it before him on the ground, and prayed passionately to the saint to intercede with God and grant him a miracle. And after a long while there was suddenly a great clap of thunder, and out of a clear blue sky lightning flashed down and set the wood-pile in a blaze.

All the Yukons were amazed, and promptly vowed to convert. But afterwards the Medicine Man took the priest aside and murmured, "Good trick, that. But tell me, as one con-artist to another - how did you do it?"

"Oh, it's simple," said the priest. "Surely you must have heard: anything Yukon do, icon do better?"

Chief Running Bear was very sad. He was getting old and although he had three beautiful young wives, none had been able to give him a son. One day a passing medicine man told him that if he wanted a son he should make love to his first wife during the next full moon lying on a buffalo skin. Nine months later Running Bear became the proud father of a son.

Chief Running Bear was delighted, but his second wife became broody and begged him to give her a son as well. So the chief consulted the medicine man again and was advised to make love to his second wife during the next full moon lying on a bear skin. Sure enough, nine months later the chief became the proud father of a second son.

By this time his third wife was nagging him to give her a son as well, so the chief consulted the medicine man again. It will be a bit more difficult this time, the medicine man explained. To make the third wife pregnant he would need to get a hippopotamus skin, but if he could find one she would present him with twins. The chief was friendly with a French fur trapper who agreed to procure him a hippopotamus skin in exchange for a vast quantity of buffalo skins. And so, at the next full moon the chief made love to his third wife on the hippopotamus skin and was blessed with twin boys nine months later.

The next time he saw the medicine man, the chief expressed his gratitude and asked how he knew the hippopotamus skin would work so well. The medicine man told him that the white men had told him about the Ancient Greeks. Apparently one of them had discovered that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.