A New Joke Thread

smeple, thanks for the link to help clarify my joke. I guess I forgot that everyone who is a spanko is not automatically also a Trekkie. The cliche phrase of Star Trek was McCoy saying, "I think he's dead, Jim." Jed rhymes with dead, so the two phrases sound alike.

Exactly! I'm not and never could get interested in that series.

There are numerous jokes about "the actress and the bishop" so I hope I won't be censured for unashamedly plugging my latest story on this thread as it has exactly that as a title. I hope it will bring a smile to the faces of those who read it. Comments welcome

Disclaimer: This joke is for entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to reflect the actual policies of the Roman Catholic Church, nor the advertising practices of any corporations.
Ronald McDonald went to see the Pope. "Your Holiness," he said, "I will give the church $10,000,000.00 if you will change the words of the Lord's prayer, so that instead of saying, "Give us this day our daily bread," it would say, "Give us this day our daily hamburger."
"Ronald, my son," replied the Pope, "I can not change the text of the holy scripture, even for $10,000,000.00."
"Okay said Ronald McDonald, "I'll make it $100,000,000.00."
The Pope nodded his head. "I will call the Cardinals together, and we will see what we can do."
When the Cardinals had convened, the Pope announced. "Brothers, I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. We're canceling our deal with Wonder Bread."

A few years ago, a Tesco employee told me that this joke was very popular amongst the store's staff:

Q: What's the difference between a Tesco trolley and a Tesco manager?
A: A Tesco trolley has a mind of its own.

Three preachers and their respective wives were on their way to a church conference, when they were all killed in a tragic automobile accident. They arrived at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter looked over the books with the record of their lives. He turned to the first preacher and sadly shook his head.
"You can't come in here. You lusted after money all your life. It doesn't matter that you didn't try to make money. You lusted after it. Why, you love money so much that you even married a woman named Penny."
Looking at the second preacher, he said, "You can't come in here, either. You lusted after whiskey all your life. I doesn't matter that you didn't drink any. You lusted after it. You love whiskey so much, you even married a woman named Sherry."
At this point, the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "I don't see much hope for me either... Fanny."

Two blondes go out to get a cheap Christmas tree. They are well equipped with down jackets, snow shoes, ski goggles and a lumber jack's chain saw. They trek through the snowy forest for the whole day looking for the right Christmas tree. As the sun begins to set, both women are near exhaustion, one says to the other: "Hell, Patty, why don't we just take one that isn't decorated?"

This has gotta be the funniest thing I've ever seen: Mrs Brown gets a Bikini Wax,
[url=http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xjxo4b_mrs-brown-gets-a-bikini-wax_shortfilms?s earch_algo=2][/url]

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xjxo4b_mrs-brown-gets-a-bikini-wax_shortfilms?search _algo=2

Guy

Earlier today the mayor turned on the Christmas lights. He tore them down from the tree and jumped up and down on them until they were completely ruined.

Mayor jokes are not very welcome around here, Alan....our Toronto mayor joke has gone from funny to really, really, really sad