A New Joke Thread

During the Second World War, a British ship has docked in Liverpool and the sailors go off on leave. One of them lives quite close.

When he returns to the ship, his friend asks him,

"Did you have a good time on leave?"

"Did I have a good fucking time on fucking leave?" the man replies. "I get fucking leave, I get off the fucking ship, I get on a fucking bus, I go to my fucking house, I open the fucking door, I go up the fucking stairs, and what should I find but my fucking wife in fucking bed with the fucking lodger having intimate relations!"

Wife: "My gynecologist said I can't have sex for a month."

Husband: "What did your dentist say?"

Man at bar to young woman standing next to him: "What an incredibly tight little skirt you're wearing! How on earth do you get into it?"

Young woman: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink!"

In order to make some quick money, Joe took on a job smuggling exotic pets for private collectors.

"Your first assignment is to fetch a skunk from the USA," his boss told him. "When you go through customs, you'll have to hide it in your underpants."

"But what about the smell?" Joe protested.

"Don't worry about that. If it dies, it dies."

Q. How do brunettes come up with so many blonde jokes?
A. What else do they have to do on Saturday night?

And here's another Christian joke:
A Christian left his native southern state, which shall not be named, to seek work in Dayton, Ohio. Though he was not too bright, he was very devout, and on his first Saturday in Dayton, went out to look for a church to join. He found the pastor of the first church he came to in his office, and was told he would have to pass a test on his bible knowledge before he could join that church.
He agreed, and the first question was, "Where was Jesus born?"
"I'm not sure," he answered, "But I think it was in Philadelphia."
"I'm sorry," replied the pastor, "But you obviously don't know enough about the bible to be a member of our church."
At the second church he came to, he met the secretary of church membership, who also informed him that extensive bible knowledge was required for membership. Again, the first question was, "Where was Jesus born?"
"Well," came the honest answer, "I know it wasn't Philadelphia, so I'm going to guess it was in Pittsburgh."
"You stupid, ignorant man." said the secretary of church membership, "Leave this church at once and don't come back."
He came to a third church, where the pastor was painting a Sunday School room.
"I'm new to this city and I'm looking for a church home, but I doubt if I know enough about the bible to qualify for membership," he explained.
"That's not a problem, if your heart is right before God, we would be happy to have you as a member. if your heart is not right, we'll do every thing we can to help you get it right. You are welcome here. As far as your knowledge of the bible, we'll be glad to teach you."
"Since you don't have any questions about the bible for me, I've got one for you. "Where was Jesus born."
The pastor was astonished that the fellow didn't even know that much, but he replied, "He was born in Bethlehem, of course."
"Ah ha, he exclaimed, "I knew it was somewhere up in Pennsylvania!"

In a red light district, there's a whorehouse with a red light outside. There are four men. One upstairs, one leaving, one entering, and one across the street.
What are their nationalities and why?
See next post.

The one upstairs is Himalayan. The one entering is Russian. The one leaving is Finnish, and the one across the street is Polish and he's waiting for the light to change!

Variant:

Man at bar to very attractive girl: "Hey honey, I'd love to get into your panties!"

Girl: "Don't bother. There's one asshole in there already."

A blind man walks into a Manhattan bar, sits down and says to the woman behind the bar: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

"Listen, buster," she says, "I'm a blonde, and I've got a Black Belt in karate. The woman sitting next you is a blonde, and she's a member of the NYPD. The woman sitting the other side of you is a blonde, and she moonlights as a nightclub bouncer in the Bronx. Now, still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

"Hell no," says the blind man, "not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."