A New Joke Thread

how is a blond like a computer?
Nobody appreciates either one until they go down on you.

Have you heard about the blonde who kept staring at the container of orange juice because it said CONCENTRATE?

A traffic cop sees a car hurtle past him on the highway going well over 100. He chases after it, and as he pulls alongside he sees it's being driven by a blonde. He also sees, to his horror, that she's knitting.

He signals frantically her to wind down her window. When she does he yells, "Pull over! Pull over!"

The blonde gives him a big smile. "Nah," she yells back. "It's a cardigan!"

A burglar decides to rob a church. he creeps inside and hears a voice saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you." he flashes his flashlight around but sees nothing. He moves on and again hears a voice saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you." Again he shines his flashlight and this time it falls on a parrot. The robber asks "did you say that?" The parrot says "yes". the robber says "what is your name?" the parrot says "my name is Moses." The robber says "what kind of a moron names a parrot moses?" The parrot says "same kind of moron that names a rottweiler Jesus."

One day aboard the Starship Enterprise, Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy were in the rec room, watching the Disney Davy Crockett videos.
"Oh look," exclaimed Captain Kirk, "There's Buddy Ebsen! Didn't he go on to play Jethro Bodine on the Beverly Hillbillies?"
Doctor McCoy replied, "I think he's Jed, Jim."

Just to head off future inquiries at the pass, unless you are a fan of the original Star Trek series, you aren't going to get this joke. This might help:

http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/He's_dead,_Jim

What...you mean to tell me there are people out there who were not fans...I am in shock.

Actually I liked "The Next Generation" and "Deep Space 9" better...LOL

CS

Punctuation was never Captain Kirk's strong point. Well, he was a Texan. But the consequences of saying, in the hearing of Spock, "Beam me up Scotty" were drastic.

Eve's side of the story
Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.
' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Why did God create Eve 2nd?
Because he didnt want any nagging advice while he created Adam.