A New Joke Thread

Jon usually golfs every week with three of his buddies. They have a regular weekly tee time reserved. One week he's the only member of his foursome that can make it. At first he thinks he may as well not go, but decides to go anyway.

When he gets to the course they ask him if he'd mind pairing up with a young lady on the putting green who didn't have a reservation. Jon looks over and sees an attractive young lady and says 'why not at all', and Soon Jon and Beth are on the course. They not only have a good time chatting, but both are playing one of their best games.

It's gets down to the last hole which is a par 5. They both make beautiful shots off the tee, and then chip up into the green in one. Jon is 20 feet from the hole and Beth is 30 feet. Jon turns to her and says 'if I make this I'm taking you to the best restaurant in town for dinner tonight.' Beth smiles and nods. He lines up and putts and sinks it. Beth cheers and then tells him 'if I make my putt then I'll go back to your place after dinner.' Beth lines up her putt. Jon says 'wait a minute.' He walks around looking at the lay of the green. After a few minutes, he picks up her ball and says "that's a gimme if I ever saw one."

(Note to non golfers, a gimme is such an easy shot that a player often tells another one that they don't have to take it, which a 30 foot putt isn't)i

Note to joke-tellers: In golf, the player with the ball furthest from the hole goes first. Not that I'm quibbling or details or anything...

I do like the way Jon thinks, even if he doesn't follow correct golfing etiquette.

A man has confessed to the priest that his sexual urges can get out of hand. The priest tells him that sex outside marriage is evil and he must control himself or risk his place in heaven.

The man comes to confession.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," he begins. "You gave me good advice about sex, but I haven't kept it. I was with this beautiful young girl, a real stunner, legs all the way up to her, well, you know, I was talking with her and suddenly she turned around and bent over the freezer. Well, she was wearing quite a short skirt and I just couldn't contain myself. I took her there and then over the freezer."

"Good lord!" cried the priest. "You'll never get into heaven that way!"

"No," said the man, "and I'll never get into Harrods again, either."

Njrick
I knew that and i screwed it up anyway. Argg!

Maybe this has been on here before but I've just discovered this one:

I caught my daughter reading 50 Shades Of Grey earlier.

Obviously being a good father, I took it from her and told her if I ever caught her reading smut like that again

I would put her over my knee and give her a good spanking

So wrong! LOL

I was seeing a younger woman... until the cops caught me with my binoculars.

World's worst pickup line:
"The little voices in my head told me to come over and introduce myself."

This joke has beem circulating on Facebook recently

One morning, a husband returns his boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment... For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Slightly-belated Christmas joke--this explains the tradition of there being an angel on top of a Christmas tree.

Decades ago, Santa Claus was having a terrible holiday season:

Mrs. Claus, normally his greatest support, was going through 'change of life' (menopause) and was an emotional wreck--she was either complaining bitterly about living at the North Pole, or crying uncontrollably while sobbing that her life had been ruined.

One-third of the elves had gone on a 'wildcat' strike and were picketing his workshop, forcing the other elves, and Santa himself, to work longer and harder, which the non-striking elves resented.

Worst of all, the reindeer had all caught some sort of flu-like 'bug,' resulting in attacks of copious diarrhea, which Santa himself (the stable elves being among the strikers) had to shovel out of their stalls several times a day.

God looked down on the North Pole and realized that Santa wouldn't be able to put up and decorate a Christmas tree that year, as he and the non-striking elves were too exhausted and his wife was emotionally dysfunctional, so He had his angels decorate a beautiful tree. He then summoned a very peppy, Pollyanna-type female angel and told her to deliver the tree to Santa's residence.

God told the pretty, young-looking angel, "Santa's under a lot of stress, so I want you to take the tree to him, ask him where he'd like it to go and put it there--no arguments, no suggestions, no discussion, just do whatever he wishes regarding the tree's location."

The perky angel nodded. "Got it, Boss--whatever Santa says."

Santa was in the stables, grunting and sweating as he shoveled foul-smelling reindeer diarrhea, when the beaming, bouncy-looking angel showed up carrying the beautifully-decorated tree.

"I've got your Christmas tree here, Santa," she enthused brightly, "What do you want me to do with it?"

Which is why there's always an angel on top of a Christmas tree... --C.K.

Thank God we only have a star on top of the Christmas tree here ....