A New Joke Thread

Sorry Gail. My timing was lousy.

I think the Mayor of TO needs a spanking and perhaps several of them with a large hairbrush and a cane. The story is sad but he could learn if he got the right treatment.

CS

An elderly couple realizes they're having memory problems and decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, the doctor finds nothing wrong and suggests they write down the things they don't want to forget as a memory aid. Later that evening, the husband rises from his chair and starts to leave the room.

"Where are you going?"

"Into the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream."

"That sounds good. Will you get one for me?"

"Sure, I'll be right back."

"Don't you think you should right that down so you don't forget."

"It's just a bowl of ice cream. I won't forget."

"But I want chocolate sauce on mine. That's two things so you better write them down."

"I'm only going to the kitchen. I'm sure I can remember Ice cream with chocolate sauce for that long."

"Well, I want peanuts on it as well. Now that's three things so you better write them down."

"Look, I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts. I don't have to write them down. I'll be right back."

He goes into the kitchen but doesn't return for twenty minutes. When he comes back, he hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. Looking up at him, she says.

"Where's my toast."

Mary had a little bear
to whom she was so kind
and everywhere that Mary went
you could see her bear behind

A guy's playing golf one day and he gets lost. He sees a lady up ahead of him and says to her, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'

She tells him 'You're one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanks her and carries on playing.

Later he gets lost again. He sees the same lady and goes to her rather embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I'm on?'

She tells him 'You're still one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you're on 13.' Again he thanks her and carries on playing.

When he finishes he sees her in the clubhouse, and asks if he can buy her a drink for helping him out. As they're drinking he asks her what she does for a living.

'I'm in sales,' she says.

He replies, 'No kidding, so am I. What do you sell?'

She says, 'Well, I'll tell you if you promise not to laugh.' He promises.

She says, 'I sell sanitary towels.' He immediately falls to the floor laughing hysterically.

She says, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh.'

He replies with tears in his eyes, 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper - I'm still one hole behind you.'

I don't have any jokes. I hear them and usually forget them two minutes later. I am really enjoying these jokes, especially the one by Phil K! I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks everyone who has made me laugh. There is a lot of humor at LSF. Thanks.

Would all of you stop it already?! This is a serious literary site.

Seriously? Butt the jokes are great too!!!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Mrs. Green went to visit her neighbor, Mrs. Jones. She didn't bother to knock, but walked on into the living room. There sat Mrs. Jones on the couch. Her husband, Mr. Jones was standing in a corner of the room, naked from the waist down. His hands were on top of his head, and his bottom was as red as a stop light. Both his bottom and his legs were covered with welts. A few drops of blood were present where the welts crisscrossed. A paddle and a switch lay on the coffee table.
Mrs. Green was astonished. She exclaimed, "My goodness!"
"Yes," replied Mrs. Jones. "Albert was quite naughty, and I had to discipline him for it. This morning while we were at the grocery store, he spotted our neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, and had the nerve to actually SMILE at her. I won't have him showing interest in another woman."
"Mrs. Wilson? Isn't she the eighty five year old that lives on 5th street?"
"Yes, but if I let him get away with that, the next thing you know he'll be flirting with teenagers."
"So you SPANKED him for that?"
"I sure did. And let me tell you it's just lucky for Albert that I'm such a kind, sweet, gentle woman, with a forgiving nature."