A few words of advice for our American friends.

It has come to my attention that The Spanking Library which believe it or not is a British site is receiving more and more submissions from across the Atlantic. As an impartial observer living in a British Commonwealth country in darkest Africa, I think that I am qualified to offer the following advice to make American members more familiar with the British way of life and guide them when they are posting on this site.

1. In all posts the letter 'U' will be used in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. You must accept that there is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. Your Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will not be referred to as anything but a normal working day.
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4. You will not respond to this post by tracking me down and trying to force me to retract this message using gun threats and/or lawyers and/or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not acquainted with the British way of life. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect and proceed with the necessary caution to avoid accidents with your countrymen driving on the wrong side of the road.
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6. You will use the metric system with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
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7. Every time you fill up your vehicle you will make a donation to The Spanking Library. The amount of this donation will be calculated in line with the difference between UK prices on petrol (which you call gasoline) and the American price.
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8. You will refer to chips as chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with salt and vinegar.
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9. That cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth the words British Bitter will replace the word beer in all posts although certain European brews of known and accepted provenance may be referred to as Lager. Beers brewed in other parts of the British Commonwealth such as South Africa may also be mentioned. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that we can avoid the risk of further confusion.
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10. Special care must be taken when referring to Hollywood productions as only films featuring English actors as good guys or English actors playing English characters may be mentioned. This will unfortunately see a major reduction in posts.
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11. Under no circumstance will you mention American "football." There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the counties in the Southern Hemisphere such as South Africa). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be invited to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Furthermore, you will make no mention of baseball. The British find it unreasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which hardly played outside of America's borders. Since only around 2% of your countrymen are aware there is a world beyond your borders, the error is understandable. You will learn the rules of cricket, and watch recordings of the recent matches between the South Africans and the Australians to see how the game should be played.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14.If you wish to post on The Spanking Library site you will take your place at your computer at precisely 4 p.m. with a cup of tea in a proper china cup placed on a saucer (under no circumstances may you use a mug), with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


Only share this with friends who appreciate the British of humour (NOT humor)!

You seem to have failed to consider the small matter of time zones here, yet you claim it is us who are unaware of the world beyond our borders. (...or is it "bordours"?)

@Guy

Of course I mean 4 o'clock local time. How could you possibly think that I could be suggesting that you do anything as un-British as taking high tea at an uncivilised hour?

Please note that in correctly written English, the 'U' follows the 'O' in certain words. I'm bitterly disappointed that in your first attempt at proper English, you think you should replace the 'E' in a word like border. I think there are two good reasons for you to read the last line of my post again.

P.S. I do wish there was a "tongue-in cheek" icon.

In the interest of fair play, (For which we British & Colonials are noted apparently) I feel we should correct the omission from the list of conditions.

There obviously should have been a preface to rule 14 stating that the entire North American Continent should revert to a default setting of Greenwich Mean Time in order that the tradition of everyone taking tea together is maintained at 4p.m. precisely. (Please disregard concerns for time zones, as it is quite acceptable to imbibe tea during darkness).

We are currently "Enjoying" doing just that at 4 p.m. as the "Winter Draws On" days are with us.

But look on the bright side, you get the added bonus of moving the clocks forward one hour around March so that should act as an incentive to impose the transition smoothly.

I find English beer is either gassy and warm or flat and warm. Beer brewing is something the Germans and Czechs do much better than us, at least it's something pleasant to drink without noticeable side effects. We do make the best cider though! The French (and Belgians, now Stella are leaping on the bandwagon) always make cider much too sweet!

Is Hotspur a pen-name for Mr. J Clarkson?

Pardon my ignorance, but what is this "British" you speak of? We in the United States are, like, totally unaware of this quaint term - you know?

Rule 2 concerning the insertion of "like" is entirely unacceptable to Geordies and Mackems, who are as British as anyone.

Blimp, REALLY! Gassy beer went out about the time you last went out! "Warm" is a ridiculous slur. Warm can only mean above room temperature. Any beer served like that should be sent back. British beer, typically, is mildly cool. That way you can taste it. It's meant to be tasted. Ice-cold beer cannot be tasted because it zonks out the taste buds. However, for the mass-produced American beers, that is a good idea. The Germans produce mostly uninteresting lager and certainly don't know more about brewing than the Brits! Czechs, yes: if you must have lager, they're good.

Thanks, Hotspur, for your hilarious 'impartiality'! I have never seen a more thorough listing of all that separates us from our cousins across the water. It takes an exile to stand up and be more British than the British.

Re. #7: petrol is currently selling here for about £1.35 a litre, the equivalent (and we'll only do this for you this once) of $9.50 a gallon . Methinks the Library is about to become VERY rich ... at last!!

And if we hear any Americans grousing about this excellent post, well, you know what we do to grouse (or 'grice' as the royals call them): shoot 'em, roast 'em and eat 'em.

Not in the slightest bit true Barrett! I go out whenever I can afford it to the local pub where I drink German beer and watch English football! Never the other way round!!!