A New Joke Thread

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

The husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

"Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' "

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He plonks it on the bar and says: You'll be amazed what this animal can do. Any musical instrument you give it, he can play it like a virtuosos, no problem.
So the bartender opens up the old piano and the guy puts the octopus on the stool. Right away it starts to play Chopin, followed up by Danny Boy and Copacabana. The whole pub is flabbergasted. So they start to produce guitars and harmonicas and marimbas and clarinets, and whatever they give the octopus, it turns in a virtuoso performance.
Eventually they run out of musical instruments, until the bartender remembers the old bagpipes that he keeps up in the attic. So off he goes to get them, and when he comes back he puts the ancient tartan bagpipes on the bar floor. Instead of immediately playing it, the octopus starts to explore it, feeling its pipes with its tentacles and squeezing the bag and generally crawling all over it.
"Hey!" says the bartender. "When are you going to start playing that thing?"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "As soon as I get its pyjamas off I'm going to fuck it."

Well, if we're starting on the blonde jokes....

A blonde drives her car into a service station and says to the attendant, "Hey, could you take a look at the engine? It's making a funny noise."

"Sure," says the attendant. "Go get yourself a cup of coffee, and I'll see what the trouble is."

Fifteen minutes later the blonde comes back. "Ok lady, all fixed," says the guy. "That'll be twenty dollars."

"Wow, that was quick," says the blonde. "What was it?"

"Oh, no biggie. Just crap in the carburettor."

"Oh, ok," says the blonde. "How often do I have to do that?"

"What are you this depressed about?"

"It's my sex life--my wife's so busy with her career, she's got me limited to two nights a month."

"Hell, that's not so bad--I know a couple of guys whom she's cut off altogether..."

--C.K.

The hunter went out alone hunting for bear in the midst of the forest. Within the hour he found a large black bear, but the trouble was the bear was only two feet from him when they met. The hunter pointed his rifle at the bears belly but to his amazement the bear spoke before he could pull the trigger.

"I could easily knock your head off your shoulders as I stand here."

The hunter replied, "All I have to do is slide back my rifle bolt and pull the trigger."

The bear nodded and suggested since both of them could die in an instant that this was the time for negotiations. So both of them sat down at the base of a tree and started talking.

The hunter said, "Well all I really wanted out of today was a fur coat."

The bear replied, "All I really wanted out of today was a full belly."

An hour later the bear burped and got up to go about its daily routine. The hunter and the bear had got what they wanted out of the day.

??????????????????

The bear got his meal, and the hunter got to "wear" his fur coat by being inside the bear.

Thank you njrick!

The jokes from Bendover and Canadian Spankee (explained by Rick) had me laughing so hard that I was crying. That is exactly what I needed today! Thanks to both of you!