A New Joke Thread

Sometimes when I get bored I like to make a fake phonecall in a public place where I know other people are listening. PhilK's little gem sounds like a prime candidate.

Peggy Sue and Dooley were childhood sweethearts, but they broke up due to a misunderstanding. Peggy Sue married the local moonshiner, and Dooley left to join the army, where he remained for 20 years. By the time he finished his military career, Dooley had became a heavy drinker.
After his discharge, Dooley returned to his home county, where he found Peggy Sue was now a widow. Needing to make a living, Peggy Sue decided to run her late husband's moonshine still. Dooley met up with her one day, and they were able to talk about their misunderstanding. After that, Dooley would help Peggy Sue run her still, taking it on himself to sample each new batch of moonshine, just to make sure it was good enough for her to sell to paying customers. One day, Peggy Sue's father called on Dooley, wanting to know what his intentions toward his daughter were. "I know you were in love with Peggy Sue before you went into the army, but how do you feel about her now?" he asked.
Dooley replied, "I can honestly say that I love her still."

Non-Spanking Joke:

A single mother in her mid-thirties, obviously rather upset, asked for help from her neighbor, a woman about a decade older who had raised two sons to young adulthood:

"Bobby's only twelve years old," she wailed, "Yet on his computer files I found all these pictures of young women--"

"Relax," the neighbor lady told her, "That's perfectly normal for a boy his age, looking at photos of naked women--my boys started doing it too, when they were about that old."

The younger woman replied, "But the women aren't naked, they're wearing shiny black leather outfits and holding wooden paddles, or straps, or riding crops."

Her next-door friend was surprised. "Wow, that's different. My sons never had that kind of interest, not that I'm aware of."

"I don't know what to do about it, especially since Bobby somehow shut off my parental controls on his computer--I'll have to deal with that disobedience on his part." The young mother implored, "Isn't there any advice you can give me, anything at all?"

The neighbor frowned pensively. "Nothing proactive, I'm afraid, but I can suggest what not to do."

Her distraught friend replied, "That's better than nothing, I suppose. What's your suggestion?"

The older woman replied, "Well, you probably shouldn't spank him..."

--C.K.

That definitely is a non-spanking joke!

I don't know, a good spanking might be just what Bobby needs. Or at least what he wants.

Billy has a crush on his teacher and was concerned for any future discomfort she might suffer. So as he returned his report card, he gave her a friendly warning.
"Miss Turtledove, I don't want to alarm you, but when my Dad signed this report card, he told me if my next one wasn't a lot better, someone's going to get their bottom warmed."

What do you call a woman with a nail file in her right hand, a pair of scissors in her left hand, Aknife blade between the toes of her right foot and a small hook between the toes of her left foot?

A Swiss Army Wife.

These days, I'll bet a lot of folks on this site have forgotten the joke thread. Newer members may not have known that there ever was a joke thread. So here's one for all our Twilight fans.
Q. What would Renesmee say if she were making a Febreze commercial?
A. "Jacob, I love you, but you stink."

More of a put-down than a joke, I heard this on "Doctors" the other day:

"I would explain it to you, but I've neither the time nor the crayons."

I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant. The lights were rather too bright, so I asked them to dim sum.