A New Joke Thread

Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

A little girl is being scolded by her mother for climbing the tree in their front yard...

"You know, Cindy, the only reason the boys like to watch you climb that tree is to look up your dress and see your panties!"

"I know Mommy", she sniffled. "That's why I took them off! See?"...

I burst out laughing at both. The freezer one was a killer. (pun intended)

Great idea! I'm always in favor of humor and hope this thread is kept up.

Unfortunately, I always put any jokes I think of into a story right away.

A young man walks into a near-empty bar (pub) carrying an oversized suitcase, which he puts on the floor and opens up--it folds out into a miniature grand piano, with a little one-foot-high man in a tuxedo next to it. At the young guy's motion, the little person sits down on the piano bench and begins playing beautifully.

"Amazing," says the astonished bartender. "What can he play?"

"Anything you want," his customer replies, "Classical, jazz, show tunes, folk music, popular stuff--you name it."

The bartender asks, "Wherever did you find him?"

The young man explains: "I was on vacation in Ireland last month, walking in the woods and being a bit distracted about a serious personal problem, keeping my girlfriend satisfied in the sack, when I stumbled across a very old leprechaun--I caught him only because he was quite hard of hearing and didn't hear me approaching behind him. He was supposed to grant me three wishes, but he said his magic was as old and weak as his hearing, so he could only give me one wish."

The bartender looks dubious. "So this pint-sized piano player, that's what you wished for?"

The customer shrugs. "No, not exactly--but as I told you, the old leprechaun didn't hear very well, so I ended up with a twelve-inch pianist..." --C.K.

CK, I've heard this in another version, too. This was one just as funny.

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. He gets into a conversation with the doc about sex, and the doctor is amazed that the man can still have great sex at 85.

The man finally asks the doc, "hey doc, can I still get a woman pregnant?"

The doc looks at him carefully. "Tell you what," he says. "I'll give you this container and you bring back a sample of your semen tomorrow. Keep it in the fridge so it will remain fresh."

The man comes back the next day. "Doc, sorry, but I just couldn't do it. My wife tried with her right hand, then with her left. She tried with her teeth in and teeth out. She called her friend, Ruby from next door to try, too."

"What?" the doc asks. "You had a neighbor lady try, too?"

"Yeah, doc. She tried with her left hand and then her right. Then with her teeth in and teeth out, but I'll be damned if we could get the friggin' top off this damn thing."

A businessman is a diligent member of the local Rotary in a small town. He is invited to give the speech at their annual dinner, but public speaking is not his thing, so he consults a friend, asking him what he should talk about.

"Talk about sex," the friend says. "It always works." The businessman thanks him.

On the day of the meeting (a Friday) his wife asks, "What are you going to talk about at the Rotary tonight, dear?" He replies,

"Oh...ahem...(cough)...yachting, dear."

The speech about sex goes down brilliantly. The next day his wife is shopping. She goes into the local grocer's. The grocer is a member of the Rotary. He gives her a speculative look.

"Very good speech your husband gave at the Rotary last night, Mrs Smith," he says.

"Oh, I don't know why he decided to talk about that," she confides. "He's only ever done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat fell off!"