A New Joke Thread

There were three animal tribes, the gazelle, giraffe and hippopotamus. They could not decide who owned the nearby lake. So they decided that they would send their knights(yes, we know) out to do battle, and the winner would own the lake.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. When preparing for battle the gazelle and giraffe tribes formed a pact and decided they would not fight each other but join together to defeat the hippopotamus tribe. At the camp the hippopotamus tribe, had only one knight, with his squire.
When the hour of the battle came, the three tribes sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and raged and raged. Finally when the dust had cleared, the lone squire from the hippopotamus tribe was still standing, undefeated by the many squires from the other two tribes, thus proving...
that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

King Arthur, preparing to go on a lengthy quest for the Holy Grail, asked Merlin to devise a chastity belt which Queen Guinivere could be locked into. However, when the wizard showed his king the device, it had a large round hole in front, which would seemingly allow easy access to the queen's womanly charms.

"Merlin, you fool, this provides no protection at all," Arthur grumbled.

However, the magician handed his liege a short stick. "Push this through the opening and hold it there," he instructed. When the king did so, five seconds later two sharp metal blades slid together in the hole, forcefully chopping the wood in half.

"Wow," Arthur gulped, "That will certainly teach a lesson to anyone tampering with Guinivere." Soon afterward, having received personal promises from all knights of the Round Table that they would respect the queen's marital fidelity, he rode off on his quest.

Upon returning to Camelot two years later, Arthur ordered all his knights to assemble in the courtyard, standing next to one another facing him.

"Drop your pants, all of you," Merlin told them, and they reluctantly did so.

As he walked from one supposedly loyal knight to another, the king became increasingly sorrowful and disappointed, for each man's sexual appendage had been reduced to a stump--except for the last one in line, Sir Lancelot, who stood with his manhood intact in its full glory.

Arthur was touched with deep emotion as he addressed his top lieutenant. "Lance, I should've known that you would be honorable toward my wife, even though I know you find her very attractive. For your loyalty, you can have anything you wish in my kingdom, anything at all, even Guinevere herself--just tell me what your desire is. Speak, Lance!"

But Sir Lancelot was speechless... --C.K.

It sounds as if he was at least a little MORE than equal... not to seem that I'm quibbling..

.
And I would have guessed that he was a cunning linguist.

Not anymore...

Basically same joke I remember from school. Must have originated in North London where there's a place called Primrose Hill.

New teacher is marking register for class. Boy comes in late.

"Where have you been, young man?"

"On Primrose Hill," he replies. Second boy comes in and gives same answer. Then third. Then a girl.

"I suppose you've been on Primrose Hill?" teacher asks.

"I am Primrose Hill," she replies.

On the same theme:

Snow White thought Seven Up was a drink before she met the dwarves.

The old farmer took his bucket and went to pick some apples from his tree. Imagine his surprise when he found several young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

"You can't swim in there!" he shouted, "This is private property! Get out this minute!"

"No way!" one of the young women replied. "We've got nothing on. We're not getting out with you watching us!"

The old farmer thought for a moment, then held up his bucket. "Suit yourselves! I only came down here to feed the alligator."

An American, a Chinese and a Czech are captured by cannibals. The village chief gives each of them two glass balls and says: "You have one week to show me what you can do with these balls. If you show me something I haven't seen before, I'll let you go, otherwise we'll eat you."
After a week, he visits the American guy's hut. He shows him a magic trick where he lets the balls disappear from under his blanket and reappear in different parts of the hut. But the chief says "I've seen that -- eat him!"
Then he visits the Chinese guy's hut. The Chinese guy is sitting on the floor, meditating, and the balls are flying around his head. But the chief says "I've seen that -- eat him!"
Then he visits the Czech guy's hut. He stays for a long time, then he comes out and says "I've never seen anything like that! That idiot broke one ball and lost the other one!"

A speaker of Erse was once asked whether the Irish language had any equivalent expression to the Spanish 'mañana'. He thought for a moment and then said, "Well now, there are several - but none connoting quite the same degree of urgency."

Batman was having some problems with Robin misbehaving. He went to his friend, Green Arrow for advice. "What can I do?" he asked. "I've tried spanking Robin. I bared his bottom. I even switched from my hand to a paddle. No punishment I give seems to make him behave. I've noticed Speedy always seems to be such a good boy. How do you do it?"
Green Arrow replied, " Speedy used to be a little brat. I tried the same things you did, with about the same results. Then, about a year ago, I drilled some holes in the paddle I was using to discipline him. That made the spankings more effective, and straightened him up right away.
Batman decided to try Green Arrow's suggestion. The next time Robin misbehaved, he got the Bat Paddle, now with holes in it, from a desk drawer. When Robin saw the paddle, he cried, "Holey paddle, Batman!