Lost Property

What do you MEAN "second hand"??? I searched high and low (mainly low) for that apron and was assured it was brand spanking new. I only wore it the once, just to be sure it'd fit, though I admit it was to the Highlands Offal Festival's annual Intestines-Whipping Bonanza and Tug-of-War match.

Tsk tsk, you and your excuses. I tell you this - that apron had got feathers stuck to it when I unwrapped it!!!

The fat man apron could be mine, but by definition any apron that I wear becomes a fat man apron

Okay, one of those items gives new meaning to "sliding down the firepole."

I don't suppose my "little black number" turned up did it ? Only I popped into the Library on my way to the launderette and when I got home it wasn't there.

Turned up?
A certain librarian has been mincing up and down in it for days, asking, "Does my bum look spankable in this?"

With the answer being....?

Yes! Deliciously!

I should certainly hope so!



Asking like that makes her sound not so certain.

I have a true story about false teeth: a group of people were fishing in the area of the Bahamas the sort of enormous fish Hemingway favoured (don't ask me for their names). As he was bending over the ship's rail his false teeth fell down into the sea.
The following day, after catching one of those fish, a member of the group took his false teeth out of his mouth, put them inside the fish and said:" we'll make him believe that this particular fish had swallowed his teeth." And that's what they did.
The man, very glad, put the teeth into his mouth but quickly threw them away into the sea while declaring:" They're not mine, they don't fit."