Roles

I would like to confess a fascination of mine: the dynamic between spanker & spankee in an otherwise enlightened, egalitarian world.

Those who read my stories know this is nearly an omnipresent theme or at least a significant underlying theme. Being a switch with significant submissive leanings I intellectually acknowledge the simplicity of roles being chosen as a direct result of inclination: a person with submissive leanings seeks someone with dominant tendencies and vice versa. Still, I marvel at the ease at which we accept these roles when they are so obviously illogical and unfair.

Stories that define a Dominant Top through rank of a school setting, or other established authoriatrian heirarchy often leave me flat. I prefer the equals who settle on flagrant and painful inequality through some subtle mutual recognition of role. (One of the thoughts that most stimulates me when I visit spanking websites with pictures of models is seeing who spanks exclusively, who switches, and who submits exclusively and imagining how the exclusive bottom feels about being spanked by a switch of their own gender and age. There is something sexy about speculating on how the bottom feels about being spanked by someone she knows is also spanked but never by her.........for no real reason other than who they each feel they are.)

What do you folks think about roles? I imagine the staunch M/f fans just see the Dominant male as the preferred archetype, but it's 2010 and that archetype could be dispelled with one 911 call, so it is really about a different way of falling into role. Any thoughts?

Slightly off-topic, maybe, but I do love stories and simulations where the dominant person in one frame of reference becomes the dominated in another - hence stories of the downfall of policewomen, teachers, prefects, bosses. For me it's just the dominant role, but I like the idea of some women who can fulfil either role. Men being spanked leaves me cold. Just a personal taste.

I'm not really sure what you're asking. Could you rephrase the question a bit more succinctly, and perhaps narrow it down (as it is, it sounds like you're asking "how do you feel about spanking relationships" which is already the topic of this entire forum)?

OK, let me try again. In spanking stories there is very often a solid, practical reason that the Top is the Top: sometimes it is as simple as being the parent, or other times the Top is in position as schoolmaster or other authority figure. This 'given' heirarchy does not do much for me since I am fascinated by spanking dynamics in a modern world where spanking occurs between two consenting adults.

Within that setting, I like to read about....or deal with in my own writing........how each person occasionally feels about being the Top or bottom outside of the obvious "these are the roles we prefer" rationale. I have personally accepted being who I am long ago, and still I am teased by my own thoughts of why I end up being the one with the sore bottom when very often my Tops do not. If you add punishment into the mix the inequality jumps yet another notch.

In DD stories you sometimes hear of the Spenser Plan....but that plan is egalitarian in design...with both parties susceptible to discipline by the other. What fascinates me is the couple of either gender that has an understanding that is totally one-sided and how they feel about that, rationalize it, and better still, question it at times when it becomes embarrassing for the submissive partner to ponder their quite juvenile and vulvnerable position in contrast to that of their "equal" partner.

Given all of this, the basic question to reply to is: Whether you are Top or bottom in your deeds or only thoughts, how do you rationalize your role in an otherwise egalitarian society? The other question is geared more towards bottoms: what are some of the things you have questioned or been occasionally embarrassed by in being the submissive and vulnerable partner?

Well, to be honest,


Is probably the only answer you're going to get on an adult spanking site. And its a perfectly good answer. Some people like spanking. Some people like being spanked. When they do their thing together, everyone has fun. What more are you looking for?

If you're asking about deeper philosophical or social implications of BDSM and related activities...I would advise you to not trouble yourself over it. Its like trying to analyze a joke. That's why most of my spanking stories are at least semi-comedic, btw. I just can't take my ridiculous fetish too seriously.

Well, I'm thinking that this question isn't about a playful/erotic spanking relationship that works out as "everyone has fun."

I think it's more about a serious domestic disciplinary relationship in which an otherwise independent individual, intelligent, fairly responsible and self-aware, submits to being soundly corporally corrected by someone else whom the first person isn't generally inferior to.

How does a person reconcile him/herself to accepting that another person, generally no more intelligent, educated, mature, etc. than he/she is, nonetheless can decide to punitively paddle his/her bare behind (for whatever reason) and that he/she has agreed to cooperate in undergoing such punishment at his/her disciplinarian's discretion?

There may be mutual benefits to such a relationship, one or both of those involved may even crave it, but how does the spankee feel about that loss of personal choice and how does the spanker feel about having that kind of power over another otherwise independent individual? Agreement to such an arrangement doesn't preclude thinking about it analytically, especially when the disciplinarian announces that a spanking is going to be administered that the intended recipient doesn't feel is justified--but has already agreed to accept at the other person's insistence. (This is fairly common in stories about this kind of relationship--the spanker agrees that his/her decision may be "discussed together," but it's still his/her final decision as to whether or not the discipline is meted out.)

My personal spanking activity involves exclusively marital play/fun "punishments," but I still occasionally ponder on what a serious domestic disciplinary relationship with my darling wife would be like--notably when we've argued and/or she's angry with me over something. What if she had the personal authority (that I'd ceded to her) and the inclination to give me a very sound, truly punitive paddling on my bare behind, one that wouldn't stop until I was sobbing and sincerely regretful--even in situations where I didn't feel I was at fault?

Experiencing this kind of situation is unlikely to ever happen to me, but it's something that I deal with in my stories--most of my fictional adult spankees aren't effectively "children" (although they may be mildly treated that way for embarrassment purposes during a disciplinary session) compared to their spankers, so it can be a tricky situation when they're being spanked as behavior-modifying chastisement rather than as play/fun.

That kind of domestic discipline relationship may exist and work effectively, but IMHO it's certainly not always easy to justify rationally... --C.K.

CK: I think you put that rather well. And your assessment is accurate. And while I think a DD arrangement is probably the clearest example of a dynamic that forces each participant to occasionally question their choices, I think even in the mildest play form............unless the couple is switching...............these same thoughts ....or similar ones.........can arise. If one person is always the giver and the other always the receiver, there is still an imbalance resulting in a degree of embarrassment and pain that can trigger a real but admittedly milder self-examination in the one always submitting.

I mean, even in a play spanking, how many times does a willing spankee react to the initial stinging spanks with a "what was I thinking?" or "why did I agree to this?" thought?

Despite not having gone into a full DD situation, you say you have considered it. What do you think would be your thoughts on such a choice if it were to happen? Also, you mentioned a few times about submission when the bottom does not feel it is deserved. What about if the bottom can admit that it is.....but the painful consequence is still for one party only?

I think SNM is right don't take it too seriously. This is especially true if you are a chap and expected be the dominant one in a relationship. Of course its quite a ridiculous thing to want to be beaten. When I was (much) younger if I had been offered the choice of being caned by an attractive girl or sleeping with her I would have chosen the caning. Now isn't that the most foolish thing you ever heard? I just adore femme fatales. Dark, disturbing women have always interested me. I have come to the conclusion that it is no use asking why!

Possibly all those terribly strict but attractive schoolmistresses warped my young and impressionable mind and it's been downhill ever since. In any case I don't really care. I just enjoy it and I am very thankful that I have the interests I have. This is not to say you shouldn't attempt to analyse yourself. If it helps you should do it but I do think without question a sense of humour helps!

I know of a real life couple where the husband is a life long spankO. His wife of 5 years knew of his fetish before they were married and agreed that he would have authority to punish (spank) her if she obeyed rules that they agreed on. These were non sexual punishment spankings. She had no resentment because she felt it was fair and it made her a better person and wife. The spankings were never over done and were always agreed on in advance. This worked out well for about 4 years. The husband did something that surely was a violation of their rules. Had she done that she would have been spanked. She told her husband that she wanted to spank him and if he disagreed he would not be allowed to spank her ever again.
It took 4 years for this to happen.

Yes, but in a situation like this one, wherein the spankER initially proposed the arrangement and asked the spankEE to accept his authority to paddle her punitively while holding himself above such reciprocal discipline, this type of problem would almost always be looming on the horizon.

Under those circumstances, the disciplinarian ends up looking like a hypocrite if/when he defends the obvious double standard that he proposed, because if there's no erotic/gratification component--not even an underlying subconscious one--to induce the recipient to accept the one-sidedness of the punitive relationship, why should she make sacrifices (physical pain) to help improve their marriage while her punisher won't do the same?

If it's the spankEE who proposes the one-sided disciplinary arrangement, that's entirely different--it becomes a matter of "You made your bed, now lie in it," if he/she later protests that the spankER isn't subject to the same corporal punishment for misconduct that he/she is.

So did the guy accept being spanked by his wife, or did theirs become a non-CP household, or did she back down from her ultimatum? --C.K.