A New Joke Thread

Question. What's the difference between a man's wife, and a man's girlfriend? Answer. 50 pounds. Question. Why has there never been a woman astronaut landed on the moon. Answer. No reason to clean it up?. Question. Why can a man only drive up to 68 miles per hour. ? Answer. At 69, mph, he would have to turn around?.

Q. Why is a woman's feet genetically smaller than a man's?

A. So she can stand closer to the sink while she does the dishes.

Guys guys...women read this forum too! Play nicely eh???

But just to make things even........

Men are like parking bays - the best ones are taken and the rest are too small!

Men are like floor tiles - lay them properly and you can walk all over them forever!

I'm glad to see this forum isn't getting too sexist!!!

Sorry boys!!!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why did God create man first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Macbeth was showing a visitor round his garden. What have we got here?" asked the visitor.
"Tomato and tomato and tomato, grapes and the petis pois..."

Minidancer
Minidancer I love woman, because I sure adore putting them over my knees, and spank their bare bottoms, blushingly red. I wish it could be yours, that I so adore, and make it sore. for a score. Do you say more. How's that for an encore. Or am I a bore.

Sixofthebest....aw i'm truly chuffed (and blushing!). No one has ever written me a poem before! Thank you hunni...and no you certainly haven't bored me.

XxxxX

Minidancer, every beautiful lady deserves to have poetry written about them. "Beauty is in your heart, and in your precious mind. Beauty surrounds you, which includes your voluptuous behind. So here's to you with thanks, and many spanks. That I wish to care to bare your fabulous derriere."

Son: My dentist said bacon and soda work just as well as toothpaste!
Dad: That's baking soda.

Once there was a boy who was his parents' pride and joy. He made straight As in school, was the star pitcher on his little league baseball team, and sang in his church choir. As his 10th birthday approached, his dad asked him what he wanted for a birthday present. "Dad," he replied, "I want a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle." His father thought that was a strange request, but agreed. However, while shopping, he saw a 42 inch high definition TV with stereo sound. "My son would surely rather have this television that some ping pong paddle," he reasoned. So he bought it instead. When he presented it to his son, he said, "Wow, Dad. this is an amazing TV. I'm sure I'll enjoy watching it. But I really wanted a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
The boy went on to high school, where his top grades continued, and he made All American in both football and basketball. His girlfriend was the head cheerleader, and both of them vowed to remain virgins until their wedding night. When he graduated from high school, his dad asked him what he wanted for a graduation present. Again, he said, " Please Dad, I want a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle." His father shook his head in wonder, but agreed. One his way to shop for the ping pong paddle, his dad stopped at the local auto dealership to have his oil changed. There on the car lot was a brand new Corvette. It had a 5 speed transmission, a stereo system, shag carpet, and a beautiful royal blue paint job. The father thought, "I KNOW my son would rather have this than that silly colored ping pong paddle." So he bought the car instead. When he got the car on his graduation day, the son said, "Dad, this is an awesome car. No one else in my school has a car this nice. I know I'll enjoy driving it to college. But I really wanted a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
Here, our story takes a sad turn. That summer, the boy got sick. Though he had the best of medical care, he got worse and worse. Finally, the family doctor told the father that his son only had a short time to live. With tears in his eyes, the father relayed this information to his son. "Don't cry, Dad," said the boy. "I've had a short life, but a good life. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I know He will have a home in Heaven for me now." His father nodded, but added, "Son is there anything you want? Anything at all that would make your last days better." "Dad, there's just one thing that I'm lacking. I know if I had it, I could die happy. I want a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle." The father said, "Son, I give you my absolute word, I'll go out right now and buy you that purple polka dotted ping pong paddle. I won't substitute anything else this time. But just tell me one thing before I go. Why do you want a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle?" "Sure, Dad. I will be glad to tell you. I thought you already knew. The reason I want a purple polka dotted ping pong paddle is because..."
And at that moment, the poor boy died.