A weird thing happened (long, rambling, and off topic)

So, something unexpected happened recently - someone I used to know died.

I hadn't seen him much since high school ended, but I ran into him in a store a few months ago. We recognised each other I pretended that I didn't - I even got his name wrong when he asked if I knew him, but he remembered me and I never forgot him.

You see he was a bully. Oh, some people liked him (and I feel sorry for his family) but he was a bully. Thinking back, I can't recall a single good memory of him. What do I remember? The time I was sitting and reading paperback when he came over, grabbed the book out of my hand, ripped it in two along the spine, tossed it in two different directions, and said "fetch" while laughing.

That's one of countless things that come to mind when I think about him, but I doubt he'd have remembered any of them. If he had then I'm sure he would have remembered them as good clean fun. Funny pranks. Something most people laughed at. That sort of thing.

Those of you who have been reading my stories for a while might have noticed that I've been writing for years. I've been posting on Spanking Memories/SIN/Spanko.net for more than a decade. In short, I'm not some idiot kid and neither was he. But he was still the type to be in a bar at closing time getting into fights with people half his age. In his last fight he went down, hitting his head hard, and never woke up. He died in hospital a couple of days later. No guns, no knives, no blunt instruments, just a bar fight that ended badly for him (and will probably send another idiot to prison).

Why I am posting about this here? My parents vaguely know his parents. People I know are people who might (and in some cases certainly do) know his family. When I mentioned his death to a group of close friends, one mentioned that he was now in trouble with his wife because when she told him that the guy had died he had called it good news. None of that group had any good memories of him, but if I was to say most of this locally his family might hear and I don't want to cause them more pain at this time. He was a SOB and an asshole, but some people loved him. He had friends, family, and they are grieving his passing. Some even saw him as a fun loving former jock who never lost his "can do" attitude that he had back in high school while I (and others) saw him as someone who never did get around to growing up.

So I'm mentioning this here, anonymously, in a way that won't get back to anyone who liked the SOB who never really grew out of being a bully and died as a result of thinking he could drink and fight like he did twenty years ago.

As for me, it's complicated. I'm not happy that he's gone but I'm not sad. A few years after I left high school I made a conscious decision to turn my back on the negative things that happened then. I'm no longer that awkward teen - I've moved on with life. And if he had moved on after high school then he wouldn't have been closing out bars on weeknights, getting into fights, and dying of the resulting head injury. His family can moan the man-boy they loved while I'll skip the funeral (and viewings) and get on with life.

But it's still feels odd, him being dead.

Goodgulf, you should go forward, there are always bullies in any school. I came home from my time as an infantryman in Vietnam, many years ago. I ran into a guy who was a bully in high school, huge guy, loved to lift weights, but his special interest was finding a much smaller kid and punching him savagely. He did have one fight with a guy who I knew and played football with in school. My buddy pounded the bully, this did not stop the bully, he made sure he was not around certain people when he attacked some poor kid.

Back to my point, I ran into him and he had punched someone the night before in some bar. Severe injuries to the other party, he had not gone in the service, he was at the draft board with me. He made some joke about my going and his getting out, I looked him in the eye. He did not say anything but a bit later I told him very casually that the bully role did not play with me, a friend who was with me told the guy to shove off. Never feel sorry about idiots, this jerk asked a few guys how I was doing last year, seemed to want to be friends, I laughed, the guy was and is a jerk. Peace GG, do not let them get to you.

It's weird.

If the me I was twenty years ago heard about his death 20 years ago then that me would have celebrated. 15 years ago me probably would have felt guilty about celebrating. Now the me that exists now... Now it's like hearing that someone I vaguely know just lost his grandmother. I first met the guy in grade 5 and he made himself a big part of my life for the next 7 years, and today there's no feeling about him.

The weird bit is he's had a huge crowd out at his viewing. After high school he went into sales (he didn't have the brains for collage or the athlete skill to play beyond high school - except in amateur leagues) so he knew a lot of people. No, I didn't go, but I know a few people who did. One of them (who still hasn't let high school go) went with the idea of saying how wonderful it was that he was dead, but she changed her mind after seeing his family - his parents are still alive.

So she didn't say she was happy - and she told his parents that she was sorry about their loss (without saying how she felt about him) because funerals are for the living. And when others were telling stories about him she didn't mention that time she was drunk and he took her shirt off and was undoing her belt when someone entered the room and asked WTF. She left his friends with their good memories and hopefully will move beyond her bad ones.

Yes, he was the type of guy who felt that if a girl got drunk at a party then she up for anything, but I don't think he ever took that philosophy all the way. He just let his hands wander at times...

Goodgulf

I agree, funerals are not for the dead, as much as they are for those left behind. Perhaps his family were nice people who were associated with the bully but did not support the bullying at least in private, I have no idea. Besides, who really has the heart to tell a grieving mother that her son was a jerk, not me or anyone I know for sure.

I have found most bullies are people with such low self-esteem that the only way they feel they can get any acknowledgement from anyone is by showing physical strength, usually by picking on the smaller and weaker people. I get around most of them by finding (and sometimes it is hard to do) something that I can compliment them on outside of their physical side and just let them know I appreciate that one thing about them, not mentioning the other things they do that disgust me. It has always worked for me.

Hate to admit it but my girlfriend's back in college always could control a bully much quicker then I ever could as a guy. I have seen a 92 pound young lady put a 200 pound football player/bully in his proper place so fast it made my head spin. (Please do not let any of the ladies from the S... Society see this as it will only make them smile knowing they had the right ideas all along.)

The other thing I guess to think about is this. Are there some in our own past who may think that "I" am or were a bully? I was very shy in High School but in College I became President of the Student Assoc. (Long story behind that period of time in my life) I sometimes wonder who I may have tread on or perhaps hurt in attaining that position and if they considered me a bully. So as I look at the bullies I met around the military camps where I grew up, and there were a lot of bullies, first I feel sorry for them and then I think some people may think of me like I think of them. At that point I give as much respect as I can and hope that if I think nice things about the bullies in my life I know about, that someone will have nice thoughts about me if necessary.

Seen and noted.

Glad to hear it. Even horrible people have people who love them.

I can relate to what you are saying. I went to college with a bully. He was capable of being a nice guy but loved to show off his physical superiority by out wrestling anyone he got the opportunity to. One day he was walking down the dorm hall toward his room. He had just taken a shower, and was only wearing a towel around his waist. Someone came up behind him and threw acid on his back. He had to go to the hospital as a result. I didn't see this happen. (But I saw where the acid had eaten holes in the carpet.) Today, over 40 years later, I still have no idea who did it. I think it was a cowardly, despicable act, and if I had known who did it, I would have broken the students "no rat" code and reported him. Anyone who would throw acid on someone deserved to be expelled, as well as answering assault and battery charges in court. On the other hand, I think the bully brought it on himself. His attacker was probably someone that he had bullied in the past, and who could never have bested him in a fair fight. Hopefully, the bully I knew long ago has grown up. As far as I know, he's still alive. The last I heard of him, he was working for the college we both graduated from. Thanks Goodgulf, for sharing your story and for giving me a forum to share mine.

Bullies exist in all walks of life. One of the schools I went to still has an annual old boys dinner. I have never felt like going although I have a good friend who regularly tries to persuade me. I always have trouble with smiling at people I used to detest. If you were a new boy they used to put your head down the toilet and pull the flush I remember. Or if they thought you were getting too full of yourself they would hang you out of the second floor dormitory window by your heels. All very character building. I can't think why I am not more grateful!!

As I was a tall but amiable child I was more often than not a target. It took years for me to discover the best remedy wasn't actually to turn the other cheek!! You are not alone with those feelings, I am sure there are many of us with similar experiences. I shouldn't regret his passing, Goodgulf. Live by the sword die by the sword as they say.

It's very hard to grasp feelings outright when a person dies who was hated in school or anywhere else for that matter. I've heard people say "Ah, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person!" (Of course they were being facetious). A few probably said this about this guy, too. These types of people eventually hang themselves with their own rope. It's probably most odd for you because you were probably both the same, or very close to the same age.

Paying respects to someone like that after death is a matter of opinion. Send a card to the family if you decide to do something and leave it at that. I stand by your decision as it is, Goodfulf.

Sounds like you did the right thing. It's not worth it to cause a ruckus at a memorial service or some such even if the guy WAS an asshole. His family and loved ones probably know it as well as everybody else but don't need to be reminded of it at their time of loss. It's truly one of those occasions where, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all (except, possibly, "Sorry for your loss").

"Not speaking ill of the dead" is a good idea in general, at least in public, but it certainly doesn't mean you have to pretend to have liked the guy or even cared about him. If you thought he was a bully and an asshole, say so and leave it at that.