I can picture it clearly. I just can't find the right words

Hmm. Maybe that would work.

OK I'll give it a shot.

She stood in the doorway of the room. She appeared unsure of herself, coy, as girls who aren't sure if they have become women yet frequently are.

There's a comma there... It just doesn't work for me. But then again, commas are the punctuation with the vaguest rules. How does it look when it's moved and other punctuation takes its place?

She appeared unsure of herself; coy, as girls who aren't sure if they have become women yet, frequently are.
She appeared unsure of herself. Coy, as girls who aren't sure if they have become women yet, frequently are.

Then again, the added comma might not be needed...

Goodgulf

I am never sure of the punctuation, the rules are too complex. How I muddle through is I think of it as how I would say it and put commas, or sometimes semicolons, in where I would naturally pause but not come to a full stop.

Probably this would be better: She appeared unsure of herself; coy, as girls who aren't sure if they have become women yet frequently are.

Speaking it I wouldn't pause between "yet" and "frequently".

I often revise the punctuation after I have proofread what I have written.

Yes Tiptopper, the best way to work out where to put in punctuation is to read your sentences aloud. Where you pause for a breath place a full-stop (this is usually always where the sentence feels like it has come to a natural end) and where you pause for effect, place a comma. It sounds like you are definitely on the right track!

Also Microsoft Word underlines all the non-grammatical sentences for you. So it's a good program to use if you are unsure of punctuation placement as it basically draws all grammatical mistakes, as well as spelling mistakes, to your attention. Hope this helps

SNM is right here, try to split the descriptive chunks.

Another trick is to concentrate on the one important part of the image which represents ( in this case) coyness and use that on it's own, rather like the way a film cameraman will use a close up shot as an establishing shot.

"Her feet caught my eye, tippy-toed like a ballerina en point; she seemed nervous somehow."

Hard to say that without a Phillip Marlow accent

So, I know from your description the girl was not confident. Was she inexperienced?
Did she have a crush on a boy in the room?
Was this her first time in this place?
I love beautiful descriptions, but wonder. Was all this toe pivoting an act to attract attention?
Is she the heroine or the wicked witch?
Perhaps you can play her physical description and her personality or motivation or thoughts back and forth to help your reader understand.
I'm reading a book by Deborah Harkness. A Discovery of Witches; she's a brilliant wordsmith and sometimes her simplest statements are the most powerful, "When he left the room, the light went with him."

because he had stolen the light-bulb.

Well, I've finished my story. I ended up putting in more or less the split version that SNM suggested. I'd like to thank everyone for their helpful ideas.


This one captures exactly what the girl's demeanor expresses to me, even though it doesn't describe anything physical about what she is doing. I didn't end up using it, but I like it, and it fits the story perfectly!