I can picture it clearly. I just can't find the right words

This is the thing I find hardest about writing. I have a perfect image in my mind's eye of the situation I want to describe. But any why I try to describe it sounds clumsy and stupid, and it would interrupt the flow of the action. Does anyone have any tricks for trying to draw out the right words?

Here's the image I'm thinking of right now: a girl, (or girlish young woman), standing coyly in the doorway of the room. She's got her hands behind her back. Her eyes are cast down to the floor, though occasionally they flick up to see your reaction. Her weight is entirely on one foot (let's say her left). She's got her right leg behind her left, with the knee bent at about a 30 degree angle. Her right foot (the one behind) is flexed and raised up, so only the toes are touching the ground. Maybe she's pivoting her raised foot back and forth.

You've seen someone stand like that; maybe you have done this. How would you describe this pithily? Especially the thing she's doing with her foot.

I guess you could say I have described it just now. But I'd really like to convey the image in a short phrase, so I don't break the flow of the story, and I just can't. It's frustrating.

Stephen King says that to paint a picture with words, you should just describe a few important details and let the reader's mind fill in the rest. You don't need to say every little last thing about the woman and her body language; making a few explicit can imply the rest.

"The girl stood coyly in the doorway, hands behind her back. Her feet shifted a little, from either nerves or excitement. She kept her eyes downcast, but occasionally flicked them up at me."

Actually, that was still kind of wordy. Let me see if I can trim it down some more without sacrificing the imagery.

"The girl stood in the doorway, feet shifting coyly. Her hands were behind her back, and her eyes kept flicking between the floor and my face."

Ah, there we go.

Reading that gives your mind enough information to build the rest of the scene. It also lets each reader personalize it a little in their own imaginations, which (depending on your writing style) is a mixed blessing for the author.

Another piece of general advise is to read the same kind of stories that you wish to write, so that your brain gets used to that style of wordplay. It really does help.

This is sound advice. I totally agree. What you're doing is trying to put too much descriptive data into the scene. No one cares if the sky is blue, the grass is green, and the blacktop is dirty. You have a story to write, and you don't have to have that whole scene all at once. Details little by little as the story moves on do the trick.

B

This is a very interesting proposition. As bendover says, you are 'trying to put too much descriptive data into the scene.'
The few words above at the start of your piece, and particularly the adjective 'coyly' are quite sufficient to impart - to me at least - all the qualities of the situation. One well chosen word can so often say so much, and amazingly succinctly at that.
It is good to allow the details to be perceived gradually as the reader needs to know.

Stephen King is always right, except for the last two Dark Tower books.

I agree. In particular I'd suggest not using terms like "about a 30 degree angle" unless the subject is naval gunnery or architecture. I find stories on other sites quite often say someone was "about X pounds" (or kilos) in weight, or estimate their height. Again, unless the character is a candidate to join a guards regiment, who would be calculating their weight, height or the angle of their limbs? Think yourself into the position of the narrator - or in a story told in the third person, of whoever this bit of the story is seen through the eyes of. What would they not only see, but register? What would matter to them?

I absolutely agree with that. I'm not suggesting what I wrote would work in the story. I just wanted to describe the picture I have in my mind here as accurately as I could.


That comes closest to capturing the image I'd like in the fewest words. It's still not getting at the exact thing she's doing with her foot, which for some reason is a very specific image for me. Ah well ...


I'm sure you're right. But my naturally tendency is to be very sparse with description anyway. I want to work against that a bit.

Corncrake, you are correct! "Coyly" is very good word here.

That's something the narrator can describe later. A few paragraphs after he sees her in the doorway, there can be a sentence like "I glanced back at the girl. Her left foot was pivoting back and forth on its toes."

Coyly is a great adjective for an apprehensive spankee. Affectedly and usually flirtatiously shy or modest. With that do you really need a detailed description of her stance or eye movements.

If I were to attempt to describe what I think you want to say I might try:

"The girl stood in the doorway, her stance whilst affecting modesty actually knowingly accentuated the curves of her gorgeous body. She shifted from foot to foot, although whether this was for effect or from apprehension wasn't clear.Her head was bowed in apparent submission but her eyes kept glancing coyly at me."

I agree with the others that exact descriptions of body movements are rarely necessary, although can add incredible atmosphere when used correctly.