Anyone Else Feel Like Killing Themselves?

I have had a fantasy or interest in spanking going back to pre school. I'm 63 now. I never considered my interest in spanking as something negative. I knew it was not considered "normal" by most if not all standards. I have no idea where the interest came from. I do know that several years ago Ed Lee was contacted by the psychology department at UCLA in an attempt to answer this question. Don't know the outcome of that program. I agree with the others here, seek help for serious depression, there are numerous times I would love to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, not because of spanking related thoughts though. I was spanked growing up as well but I'm pretty sure my fascination with the subject doesn't stem from that. I also know that when I see girls / women on the street, in public places of all kinds and I look at them my thoughts are far different than most "normal" guys . When I go to various sites looking for certain poses depicting what I wish to see, I find them very hard to find because these sites cater to again, what normal males are interested in focusing on and it isn't a nude girl laying face down on a bed or table. Trying to find such images first in men's magazines, now on the internet has given me a lifetime of frustration. I'm extremely picky about the pose, who's in the image, images which would please most with our fetish do nothing for me. I have found some nice images along the way which I have posted about before. So I'm sure many of us are frustrated and yes, depressed.

I was deeply depressed and frustrated when I first discovered spanking on the internet. In fact, and I've told this before as well, Ed Lee was the one who told me to get on the web and start searching for women who want to be disciplined. His exact words were "they're out there". He was right but meeting someone who I thought could maybe become kind of a on going thing never happened. I went through a stretch throughout the early to late 90's of extreme frustration contacting one potential "spanking" partner after another. Finally you get used to failure and it doesn't bother you that much. I did have several positive one time experiences as well so to be fair, it wasn't all bad. Then there was the work with NU-West and later on some videos with Lily Starr. Those were great experiences.

So as bad as it seems to get, there are options out there. Obviously, I haven't pulled the trigger, well, yet anyway.

Others say it much better than I do, but to summarize it; I don't feel that your spanking preference is the problem, as little as death metal music is the actual problem when the church is battling suicide tendencies among teens. The problem lies elsewhere and your preferences can instead be your lifeline. Embrace who you are and don't let anyone tell you that your spanking habit is something bad.

Traderjack: I am reticent to get involved in this thread because these are complex issues that need professional expertise. I doubt any of us are qualified to give you the help you need, and even if we were qualified I doubt we would be providing a diagnosis through a discussion board. What I hope the discussion does show however is that you have our overwhelming sympathy and support, so seek professional help.

It seems to me there are two issues: a) guilt regarding M/f fantasies and b) suicidal tendencies. It is not clear to me that the two are necessarily related, at least not in a simple cause and effect manner. We all have dark fantasies of one type or another - yours may be darker than most - but the fact that you have never acted on them, but are afraid you might, suggests to me you actually have them under control. You know the difference between right and wrong and seem determined not to do wrong. That is no cause for shame, let alone self-harm.

The suicidal tendencies may be totally unrelated and are probably related to depression, which is a medical condition and can often be successfully treated or controlled with medication. That is why you need to consult a specialist. So, having reached out to us, why not take the next obvious step?

Dear Trader, I have read all the responses you have received here. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to add, but ...

It helps to have someone you can talk to. A counsellor, even if s/he can't help in a more substantial way can do this.

I underwent counselling and therapy over a period of thirty or more years. It didn't cure me, but it improved my knowledge and understanding of my condition and that led to an acceptance which has made life better. I urge you to get counselling.

I feel your distress in what you wrote at the beginning of this series. Congratulations! This could be the start of a better life for you.

If you have a gun; get rid now of it.

A small piece of advice which comes from my own personal experience:

I developed a suicidal depression at the age of fifteen and made two unsuccessful suicide attempts due to the influence of the bad, i.e. fallacious philosophical ideas which I had been taught by the adults around me during childhood. I developed a case of schizophrenia two years later also due to the influence of bad philosophy. I found that I was better able to rebuild my life after my bout of schizophrenia when I discoverd the philosophy of Objectivism roughly five years after my schizophrenia.

So - bad philosophy screwed me up - and the good philosophy (i.e. true philosophy) which is Objectivism really helped me an awful lot. So you might try reading some of the works of Ayn Rand. I would recommend starting with the fiction (i.e. Anthem, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged).

But you should also seek professional help if you have any serious psychological problems. I would never have recovered from my psychosis without the medications I was given (i.e. chlorpromazine).

Robert56
Have you looked at Tumblr? there's more bare bottoms there than you will ever get to the time to look at, and there are no end of spanking Tumblrs. The eye candy goes on forever. but I can't believe you haven't thought of that, but it boggles my mind that you haven't found anything you like

I've typed and deleted a response many times now. In short: Yes, frequently. It sucks. But, I'm still here and so are you. Keep on keeping on.

-LK

First of all, there is no such thing as "normal;" I don't remember the exact quote but it's something like "everybody is somebody's weirdo." You have a "kink" that some people just don't get but that doesn't make you any less worthy than your next door neighbor.

I learned about suicide the hard way: my closest friend from high school and college killed himself and we were totally clueless about what he was going through. He came to the football tailgater, glad-handing everybody and having a great time (we thought). Then the next morning he shot himself and now I understand that he was basically saying goodbye the night before.

But it sucked being asked to do his eulogy and for a long time I was mad at him for what I thought was a senseless act. Fast forward a few decades and having a family member with severe depression with suicidal ideology I now understand what an absolute black hole my friend must have been in. My college thoughts of "why didn't he just snap out of it" seem hopelessly naive. Luckily my family member sought help and is doing well now with support; I just wish my friend had done the same, and I would encourage you to do the same.

Unburdening yourself with a sympathetic audience like this site is a good first step but as others have noted we aren't professionals. But I wish you good luck and I know things can improve for you.

I note that TraderJack has not posted on this thread recently so hoping all is ok with him.

Online forum is of course not best place for assessment, diagnosis and therapy/treatment advice, that has to be through the professionals.

TraderJack would you suggest that if you were a exponent of a combat sport, you would feel guilt about entering a contest with the express intent of knocking out, throwing to the floor etc an opponent who consensually enters the contest?

The above is not dissimilar to spanking, and might even be called more extreme.

Now if you have depression your guilt feelings about spanking thoughts could well be just a symptom of the depression, as guilt is a common one.

With regard to parental physical punishment, yes indeed there are academic articles of the sort you mention, however the majority who get through life ok without psychological difficulties, yet were subjected to corporal punishment don't report cp as an issue.

It is those who have such difficulties who do report it, often as they are asked in mental health assessments about their childhood, whether it happy, abusive etc, that not necessarily the cause or even part of their issues, but allows a tick to be put in the possible cause box.

TraderJack i am in no way minimizing the feelings you have, and truly hope you can find the professional support you require, as you having suicidal ideation saddens us.

Well, if you read this, on the good side about mentioning your troubles here means that you're reaching out and that you're willing to find a solution that helps you back on track again. See it as a step on the way to recovery. Don't give up and you don't have to search here and there for emotions that make you feel guilty, because they are probably not part of the problem. Keep talking, talk to a professional, talk to friends, it helps. If you feel that it might help, we're many people who are here for you and we are all willing to reach out and give you all the support that we can.