Anyone Else Feel Like Killing Themselves?

I hate this kink. Not that it's solely responsible for how depresses and suicidal I am, but it's certainly large part of it.
I was seeing a ton of academic articles last night that have linked childhood spanking with depression and anxiety in adulthood. Maybe that's what happened? My parents spanked me as a kid, the trauma of that made me depressed. But spanking also was defined in my tiny brain as the ultimate form of asserting one's agency. Or maybe I was just fucked to begin with from birth.
I drive to work, and I think about M/f spanking fantasies and loading a gun and putting it to my temple.
I wish I could just be 'normal' whatever that is. I wish I didn't derive joy and meaning from an act of inflicting pain. An act that itself has probably fucked me up more than I really want to admit.

Everything hurts so much.

Drive yourself to the emergency room ASAP! They have psychiatrist on hand that can evaluate and treat you.

Or, if you're not literally on the brink, look up practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy in your area. Most regions have some lower-cost alternatives if this isn't covered by your insurance or within your budget. Childhood trauma can be healed with therapy. Unhappiness with yourself - your sexuality or anything else about you - can be remedied with therapy. There is relief out there - this side of the grave! - for the other things making you depressed and suicidal.


If you do this to people against their will, you need to stop it. But if, as I suspect, you do this to people who wish to be spanked, then you're not inflicting pain in any harmful sense. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person to have mildly deviant consensual interactions with people.

Lots of posters here are ok with having this kink, and that's great. Some aren't, including me; I wish I weren't wired this way. And it's ok for you and me not to like having this kink, too. We just have to figure out how to make peace with it. But above all, please remember that being into this (whether it's because of your childhood, because you were born this way, or because of something we may never understand) doesn't say a thing about your character or your goodness.

TheWolfWithin
Um, thanks for the suggestion. But if I did that would most likely end up with me being involuntarily committed and that terrifies me to the point of physical tremors. I would need to at the very least have an advanced medical directive that would prevent ECT (Electo-Shock) from happening. I'm not sure if you've had any experience in patient, but it's not a good place. Any short of "healing" only seems to happen in one on one psycotheropy with some kind of antidepressents.
It's not like this feeling is anything new, it's been my life as long as I can remember. And it's not like I haven't sought medical treatment for it either. I don't think more medical treatment is what I need.

I do not do this to people against their will, and thanks for the benefit of the doubt. But I still want to and that desire does make me doubt my character and goodness.


How do you make peace with it? Or how are you trying to make peace with it? Do you think writing helps or hurts? I've been writing stories since I was a teen, I've never shared any of them though. Sometimes it feels cathartic, sometime I think it's making everything worse.

At the most utilitarian level, we're responsible for the things we do. Wanting to do something, however immoral, and not doing it, is not a crime. In most religions, neither is it a sin, and in many on the contrary, it's considered praiseworthy to resist the urge to transgress - more praiseworthy than never transgressing because one never had the impulse.

(This is begging the question that this kink is wrong, which I'm not convinced it is.)

Sometimes I make peace with it by ignoring it for stretches. Sometimes writing stories gets things out of my head, and sometimes sharing those stories and getting feedback makes me feel less alone with this.

Feel free to message me if you want to vent. I've more or less accepted that this part of me isn't going away, since it's been with me from as early as I can remember. It sounds as if it torments you more than it ever has me, but I'm ambivalent at best, and frequently ashamed, and wish it would go away, so I can at least empathize.

I have had this kink all my life and I have also been in psychotherapy for several years. The psychiatrist knew about my kink from the very start.

There was NEVER any possibility that he would commit me involuntarily or order electroshock therapy. I would occasionally mention the possibility and he would always dismiss it out of hand.

At spanking parties I attended some of the attendees were therapists themselves and wanted to be spanked.

When I found sites like this I realised that my kink is shared by very many people. Phew! What a relief.

I did have some remaining doubts so plucked up the courage to discuss it with my spiritual adviser. His advice was that he had tried it but it was not his thing but good luck to me if it was between consenting adults. He is a pretty relaxed buddhist. I have also discussed it with close friends and not lost any as a result. Ok, I have some good friends.

As I grow older I realise more and more that "normal" does not exist in real life. Humans are a pretty mixed bag. I don't think anything I will say can help the opening poster but the advice of others above to get help is important.

ps. I was a nurse and seen various injuries due to sexual adventurism. Nothing surprises.

Get professional help. Your childhood experience likely has messed with your head, but a good professional can help worg that. It may also have at the same time planted the seeds for your kink, although the kink also appears in people who were seldom or never spanked. I was told by my therapist, the source of the kink is irrelevant. What matters is what you do with it and what role it plays in your life. Read stories, write stories, play with consenting adults; all that is good. If you focus your desires toward people who want to be spanked, there is nothing bad or evil in it. But do find a good therapist.

There's also the possibility that there is no connection. Depressions can be chemically induced and do not necessarily have to relate to your childhood and in particular not with your kink. Think about your emotions about spanking. Do they feel positive? Disregard from the society view. I felt severe guilt for many years because of my preference, until I found that it's rather widespread a preference and I understood that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. This kink can be a positive thing that helps you when other things are hard to handle. But as others have said; seek professional help just in case. Important though; don't feel guilt for who you are, what you are and what you like. Don't look too deeply into scientific articles in the psychological field; they can prove just about anything and they to a large extent rely on what's in fashion. Don't go search for proof that your kink is a negative thing, because you'll find many articles that claims that so is the case. Go search for evidence that your kink is good and positive and you'll find that as well. All that matter is that if it feels positive for you inside, it's positive. Many people get their rocks off watching football. I find it dead dull, it does nothing for me, but spanking does. If everything else would be wrong in my life, spanking would still be a positive force that would help me through life. Rock n' roll would destroy the world; it didn't. Computer games would produce a generation of homicidal maniacs. The worst and most controversial games, when they arrived in the 90s, were Postal, Doom and Carmageddon, which of two were my absolute favorites. Still I haven't killed anyone and I'm doing great in society. Nowadays it's said that computer games teaches kids to think three dimensionally and increases their reaction speed. I'm certain that there are just as much evidence that a spanking kink does not result in depressions, don't focus solemnly on the sources who says otherwise. In any case I'm fairly certain that it's less harmful than eating sugar, not exercising and smoking. Try to find strength in who you are and be proud of the person that you are and think of your kink as a positive mean to feel fulfilled. If it helps you and no one who doesn't want it gets hurt, it can't be bad. What has happened when you were young is not your fault and now you're an adult. Try to embrace yourself and believe in yourself. I'm certain that you're a wonderful person just as you are. Sorry that my English is a bit incoherent, but I felt that it was important to reach out to you. Believe in yourself. Sharing my stories in this forum helped me a lot to find peace with my private thoughts on spanking. I'm not saying that it would help you as well, but consider it. As pointed out, there is nothing normal, we're all different and as long as no one gets hurt emotionally or physically in a non agreeable way, it's perfectly all right.