Would you change this?

I was in a 5yr LTR where discipline played a major role .....at that time i truly needed it as i was very young, totally out of control, and headed down a very bad road. It was truly a wonderful relationship as we shared many other interests and were compatible. Weve since split (for unrelated reasons) and now im seriously ambivalent if i want to get back into it ....do i need it? most likely....do i want it honestly im not sure i hate the feeling of less than/neediness that i cant behave on my own without someone giving me rule, structure and consequences. Also its hard enough finding & maintaining a "normal" relationship, this adds just another hoop to jump thru not to mention limiting the # of potential partners .......hence im just going on with life meeting different people and if i happen to meet someone whos into it ....fine ....if not ill deal with it

Wow - Jessica K, you've verbalized a dilemma that I've felt for many , many years (having had an undeniable spanking interest since I was at least 7 or 8 years old, and I'm now 59 - and lived through a somewhat frustrating vanilla marriage for 30 years, until other issues blew that apart)...

I've often had the same thoughts as you articulate - life would be SO much easier if I didn't have this interest. It would certainly be much less expensive, since I've had to resort to paying a fair bit of money to indulge my interest in one way or another. I personally feel no guilt or shame for it, since my moral code is simple - if nobody is hurt, what's the problem?...But I do feel a distance from all the rest of modern society, by having this interest that seems on the surface to be horribly politically incorrect...even though the success of "50 Shades of Grey" and other older Hollywood movies that included gratuitous scenes or references to spanking makes me sincerely wonder if most of "mainstream" society actually really secretly shares our secret fetish to some degree, but would never ever admit it!

One experience that I remember dearly, is going to Shadowlane's annual spanking party in Las Vegas a couple of times and being surrounded by other nice, normal people who shared my feelings exactly - it felt like immersing a burn in a tub of cool water! (Or - maybe a freshly-strapped bottom!)...

Anyway - at this late stage in life, I harbor no illusion that I'm about to be miraculously "cured" of my kink...nor am I sure I want to be, since I enjoy it so much! So I might as well accept it and run with it. My biggest concern, to be honest, is this: I fear that ordinary vanilla sex is not really that interesting to me, since I have such a desire to spank the bottom of the person I might happen to be with, or have her spank mine. That can amount to a tremendous disability in some ways, since, let's face it...vanilla relationships are much easier to come by than "specialized" ones like we would like to have. If only for that reason, there are many times when I wish I could just push a magic button and suddenly be totally free of this kink. (Sigh) - I don't know the answer...but my guess is that many others here have asked the same question. Anyway, that's all just my long and convoluted way of saying...I think you're not at all alone in your ambivalence! I wish you well...and all others here who struggle with this.