Rumpology - The Seat of Knowledge

My knowledge base expanded today when I became aware of another use for the bottom. Little did I realize, before reading the Wikipedia entry on "Rumpology," that the bum that we love to have smacked, or smack as the case may be, may in fact be a storehouse of almost limitless information. To quote the Wikipedia entry:

"Rumpology or "Bottom Reading" is a pseudoscience akin to physiognomy, performed by examining crevices, dimples, warts, moles and folds of a person's buttocks in much the same way a chirologist would read the palm of the hand."

"Rumpologists have a variety of theories as to the meaning of different posterior characteristics. According to Stallone, the left and right buttocks reveal a person's past and future, respectively, although she has also commented that "The crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemispheres of the brain". According to blind German clairvoyant and rumpologist Ulf Beck, "[a]n apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." The British rumpologist Sam Amos also uses shape to diagnose personality, and claims that 'A round bottom indicates the person is open, happy and optimistic in life. However, a flat bottom suggests the person is rather vain and is negative and sad.'"

"Rumpology can be performed either by sight, touch or by using buttock prints. In addition to live readings, Jackie Stallone will perform buttock readings using e-mailed digital photographs, and has claimed to predict the outcome of Presidential elections and Oscar awards by reading the bottoms of her two pet Doberman Pinschers. Ulf Beck claims he can read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks."

I can just see it now - a stampede of LSF members seeking to get their bums read. (Or should that be "red?")

It's probably time to admit that for years I have been a closet rumpologists trying to read people's character and inclinations from the shape and movement of their bottom. I do, however, belong to the scientific school of rumpologists, and the only prediction of the future I am willing to believe in, is that I will end up with a black eye if I give free reign to my (purely) scientific pursuits.

There's a story in here. Maybe a certain school of rumpology that involves studying the way the skin marks and rises after a thorough paddling?

The most important part of the sentence is probably pseudo! It sounds good fun, though.

I must sign up for a course in this important branch of human knowledge immediately

This appears to be an interesting subject, but I have to admit I was somewhat disappointed that it has nothing to do with one of my literary heroes "Horace Rumpole", John Mortimer's wonderful creation

I don't think it would require a trained and certified rumpologist to conclude, if he or she saw a picture of my roasted rump after my boyfriend got finished with it, that I had been a bad, bad girl.

The art, of course, is to decide which rumps belong to bad, bad girls before they have been roasted.

This is an unbelievable scientific 'profession.' Not only do these rumpologists get to see and feel up strangers' bare bottoms, but they get paid for it too (I'd assume)!