What percentage of your relationship involves spanking?

Or you could try 'The Mosquito technique', outlined in my article Will She or Won't She? in the WellRed Weekly issue no 3, also written under the pseudonym, Eileena Cross hehe

In my case, it was a combination of factors. Although at the time I met and married my ex-wife I thought the idea of spanking was sexy, I had no idea how obsessed I would become with it years later. It was something I would occasionally fantasize about... but there were many other such things as well, and most of them seemed more normal. Yes, fear of being abnormal played a part. Also, even though I was in my late twenties, I was relatively inexperienced sexually - so having the the joy of sex on a regular basis washed away any thought about what else might be tried. And I fell in love, and wa desperate (and that age, to start a family.

By the time I started to realize the extent of my interest in in spanking, I was married, with kids. Family was a priority. Besides, I thought it likely that my then-present interest in spanking was likely a passing thing. (hah!) I occasionally tried bringing it up with my ex - never so bold even as to use the 'mosquito' technique, but she clearly wasn't that interested. Nevertheless, we managed to try it a couple times - most unsatisfactorily. She thought being over my lap silly. She found that even a few light pats hurt too much. It was frustrating for both of us. (As hard as it might be to convince a vanilla to spank you, imagine convincing a vanilla that she should experience the pain of a spanking).

The incompatible sexual preference was just one of several factors in our eventual divorce. By that time, I knew I would never again lock myself into a LTR with a woman who wouldn't share this interest. This could never be the sole or even primary reason for being together, but it had to be part of it. I'd rather be alone but hopeful about possibilities than with someone I knew would never share in the enjoyment of spanking.

I dabbled in trying to meet someone online at spanking sites, but perhaps I was at the wrong sites. So I focused instead on filtering through people I would meet in in vanilla r/l settings, or over vanilla dating sites. It was never the first thing I'd bring up, but I made sure I did before things got too far - why waste either person's time and risk resentment? Well, some women understandably ran for the hills. Others decided it was something sexy to try. For one, a taste was plenty, and, since I had been honest, we knew we had no future. Another took quite hard smacks to her bottom She would say "I like it because YOU like it." It was also pleasant to discover that what she called HER 'kink' was an extreme passion for giving oral sex. (Difficult to take, no? LOL). Alas, unrelated ciircumstances conspired to doom that relationship.

My latest LTR was with a woman who ended up loving just about every about getting a spanking - the threats, the teasing, the positioning - everything but reaching the point were the smacks were beyond medium hard. Close enough that I could accept it. Was this merely 'settling?' Perhaps. i won't have to deal with the long-term consequences, because this relationship, too, eventually foundered, again for other reasons. (I sure have problems with "other reasons," don't I? Women, beware!)

There's a lot of wisdom in njrick's post IMO. "Other reasons" are huge - if the other factors in a relationship are fantastic, one would never give it up for spanking reasons, whereas even the ideal spanking partner might make a dreadful life mate for those "other reasons."

But mutual pleasure is a huge thing. I would be open to trying anything my husband wanted that I didn't find immoral or seriously aversive, partly because I want him to be happy with our sex life, and partly because it's arousing as hell to give him eyes-rolling-into-head pleasure, regardless of how. But experiencing pain is inherently aversive to a lot of people, and many people have serious issues with inflicting pain, however consensual. So spanking is in that sense different in my eyes from being open to oral sex, or unusual positions, etc.

At the same time, though, I'm not sure how gratifying it would be to be with someone going through the motions. No matter how agreeable I was to giving it a shot, he wouldn't really enjoy doing something that he knew I found very distasteful, and I feel the same way. Even if he could magically act out one of my fantasies to the letter, it would lose something in translation to reality if he were thinking "wow, is my hand sore. This is kind of silly. I wonder how much longer until we can just go to sleep. Is there any Chinese left in the fridge?" Etc.

While I've fantasized about spanking since I was teenager, I always figured it would just stay a fantasy.
When my husband and I got together we shared so many things that were important to both of us. It never even occurred to me to take spanking into account. We had (and have) a great sex life. All the things that mattered to us were there. We love and trust each other. Our marriage is solid. I wouldn't trade that for all the perfectly executed spankings in England.
I know I lucked out when I decided I wanted to play out my fantasy and my husband indulged me . When he realized how much it really turned me on, it turned him on. We found a deeper intimacy that surprised me. Since then he's become a bit of a spanko in his own rite. (He's decided he wants to make a paddle.)
I suppose since I never indulged in spanking before I got married it's easy to say I could have lived without it if he hadn't been interested. Wouldn't know what I was missing. Now I don't know what I would do if I had to start a new relationship.

A very wise man told me long time ago " When you think you want to marry someone, put aside all the things you love about them. Think about all the things you don't like or annoy you, then decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life."
Those things are different for everyone, and some people can live with the fact that their partner is vanilla and some can't.

For those who are looking for a spanking partner among the vanilla population I have found that women who are very independent and in charge in their daily lives often want to relax and relinquish control letting their partner be dominant during sex play. The submission turns them on whether that submission involves spanking or something else.

Even when their submission fantasies are something other than spanking it is usually easy for the spanko to bring spanking into the relationship as their fantasy involves losing control and having to do what their dominant partner wants.

In other words, the women who you would think would be least likely to be bottoms are the very ones who often are. The manager is more likely to be open to spanking than the sales clerk. But that doesn't mean that you should ignore the sales clerk if you like her otherwise as there are exceptions to every rule.

I don't really have this in my life either. My husband will do it lightly during foreplay, and knows I like that, but has no idea the depth of my interest in this area. He is a good person, and wants me to be happy, and I don't think he'd be horrified. However, in general, I have expressed an interest with having him be more dominant in the bedroom and that has not really gotten me what I was looking for, so I don't really see expressing this interest going very far either.

Honestly, I wasn't very experienced when I got married, and while the spanking thing has always interested me, I don't think I completely understood what I wanted in he bedroom at that time. If I were 10-20 years younger, with all the access to the Internet, literary erotica, etc., I think I would have understood myself better at a younger age. In any event, I am married to a wonderful, thoughtful, kind man, who I love and who is a wonderful father to our children. I would certainly never throw any of that away over this issue. And since it is a sexual act for me, sharing such activities with someone outside of my marriage is out of the question.

Bend the gender of Tasha's above statement to fit a male, and it works perfectly for me also. Spanking is a nice fantasy, but nothing that I would toss away my 30+ year marriage for. I've never "played" outside my marriage, and don't ever intend to.

I am one of the lucky ones. My wife enjoys spanking me as much or probably more than I enjoy being spanked.