I too am married to a vanilla, and although I did convince him to spank me for a while... he found it
boring! 
More recently I have discovered that I am a switch and no way would he let me spank him. So I have no chance of continuing my kink with my hubby!
For me, it has been a matter of deciding what is more important.. satisfying my kink in the real world... or keeping my family together. Of course, for me, the latter wins out. Even though there are no spanking parties in my country, I am fortunate that I can satisfy my kink by role-playing online, chatting to like minded people, participating in role plays in BL or by writing stories.
I think many of us are in the same boat. I hope you find your ideal outlet.