Hilarious hotel brochure

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English..........

Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with themselves.

The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Doesn't sound like a place I'd want to visit...

Here are a few goodies I found on the Net:

IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Are you sure this is on the level? There is just too much. If it is, then I would say they need a better translator.

You can say that again! They don't want to hire a better and more expensive translator. You'll always find people who boast they speak a language fluently when they only have a smattering.

I think they just used Google Translate or some other program. A translator whose English was that bad probably wouldn't know obscure words like "pederast."

A linguist friend of mine has assured me that you should never, ever, EVER hire anyone to translate something into a language other than their own native tongue. And certainly not to rely on free software because you're too cheap to hire a native English speaker to translate a single damned brochure.

It probably was a software program, or someone going word by word without checking the meaning. I wish I had the original, because my daughter-in-law is Chinese and fluent in both Mandarin and English. It would be interesting to see how she would translate it, but surely better than this!

And we would miss all the fun!

I find it hard to believe. How could such a high concentration of hilarious gems have occurred by accident? Maybe this is a compilation of errors which occurred separately?

That is a somewhat foolish prejudice which is unfortunately quite widespread. How many times have you listened to born and bred English people mangling their own language!? Without doubt a lot of rubbish is talked about translation. It is true that usually you are asked to translate into your own language but a skilled linguist can often know another language better than a native speaker.