The LSF Help Desk - An (Im)modest Proposal

I've been trying to figure out just what I could do here to help out around the Library (I mean other than being an ever-present voice on the Forum). Then recently, my congruent (to Februs') answer on a Help Desk question gave me an idea. Or shall I say - An Idea! Why couldn't I man the LSF Help Desk? That would free Februs up to do all the other really important stuff – like loading my stories, developing new features, and disciplining the unruly LSF staff.

So I did a little research, checking back over all the previous Help Desk topics to see just how things work. Without going into details, here's what I discovered - Questions get answered promptly, courteously and thoroughly, with members seemingly coming away pleased with the results. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I've had occasion to contact PLENTY of Help Desks and Help Lines and know that this just isn't how things work. Not at all! Right, folks?

So, not only could I free Februs to do the aforementioned important stuff, but I'd devote the time and energy necessary to make the LSF Help Desk into what people expect a Help Desk to be.

So here's what I propose to implement:

1) I'd take over full responsibility for monitoring all questions that come in to the Help Desk, making sure to check it no less than every two or three days... or so

2) After ensuring that a customer with a concern had endured an adequate wait, I'd make my initial response. Perhaps Februs could pipe in music from the LSF jukebox. Not only would that give the customer something to listen to while waiting, but I could use it as a timing mechanism. When the customer has listened to every song three times, it would be time to answer.

3) I'd then collect all the background information that we (meaning Februs) might need - but probably wouldn't – to solve the problem:

a. Member name, date joined, country, number of comments made, etc (so we wouldn't have to bother checking the member list ourselves)

b. All the serial numbers and product codes for all computers/devices and software used by the customer

c. (for female members only) - Real name, address, phone number, age, spanking preferences, photo. Ok, this info won't help solve any LSF problem, but it might be useful to me.

d. Anything else that I can think of

4) Before getting into the actual problem, I'd offer to sell the customer the new LSF Elite Protection Plan, under which the customer could have this and all future problems handled directly by Februs himself in a prompt, courteous and thorough manner for the low annual fee of 20 pounds (or whatever that converts to in real American money). In short, for this low fee, they'd get the same service they and everyone else used to get for free, The Library has given away too damned much for nothing and it's time we started generating a little operating revenue.

5) Next I'd make the customer repeat the problem, two or three times at least, just to be sure we understand everything clearly.

6) If Februs can figure out a way for me to disconnect a Forum post, I could do that here. But if not...

7) I'd rattle off a bunch of technobabble which the customer won't understand. It probably won't make any sense, since I know next to nothing about computers, but I'd make sure that it included all the latest catch phrases. We won't have to worry about the customer realizing that it's all nonsense, because if he knew that much, he probably wouldn't have needed to contact the Help Desk in the first place, now would he?

8) To ensure that there is some continuity with the service heretofore provided, I'd throw in a rant, where appropriate, about the shortcomings of iDevices, tablets and Microsoft.

9) With any luck, my efforts to this point will resolve the matter at hand. Either the customer will get fed up and decide to live with the problem, manage to solve the problem on his own, or leave the LSF altogether.

10) Those persistent whiners who demand to speak to a supervisor I could now hand over to Februs. Due to my expert handling, he'd end up with a mere fraction of the total problems to deal with himself.

For my time and effort to bring the LSF Help Desk into the 20th century, I'd expect nothing beyond the usual lucrative LSF compensation package... plus a cut of the LSF Elite Protection Plan revenue.

While Februs is mulling over this proposal, I'll go see if I can figure out how to type with an Indian accent.

That is while we wait for you to get out of the norty corner. By that time we'll know every song and instrumental by heart.

OK so here is one of many tests you have to pass before you can even be considered for the job.

You must provide your final answer to the below questions within an hour of this post.

1) Did your grandmother or grandfather have any connection to the Communist Party? If not, why not?

2) How long does it take a policeman in your city to consume a doughnut and what is the number of crimes that happen during that time?

3a) How many whacks can a spanker whack if a spanker can whack? Please remember you must take into account the age, gender, location, height and weight of the spanker and account for any inflationary factors over the past two decades.

3b) How many whacks can a spankee take if the spankee can take whacks? Please include all information as provided in question 3a.

4) How much money do you have to have to send to the KLSF authors on a regular weekly bases? This should include an complete listing of all the authors on site and how much each one would receive based on the number of stories submitted as it is those authors who are likely to submit most of the techie questions.

(#4 is the most important as Februs and crew will likely not consider any application for a position without an answer that spreads the wealth.)

"I'd rattle off a bunch of technobabble which the customer won't understand. It probably won't make any sense, since I know next to nothing about computers, but I'd make sure that it included all the latest catch phrases."
Have you by any chance been working for a hot line?

njrick

Only 20th century - that should make your job easy.

I serve in whatever way I can.


So who put you in charge of hiring?


No, but I think I have quite the aptitude for it. That's why I applied for the position.


Quite. This 21st century stuff is quite beyond me.

You could write some stories, even some sequels

Yes, perhaps, I could - but the Forum seems to be calling out to me of late


AaaaaK! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Yes sequels! That is a vey good way to help the library Rick. As for your suggestion of listening to Jukebox musac and being told to buy certain improvement packages, you are sacked already from your pre-emptive position as LSF advisor. I vote for the BOSS, Februs. Sorry to overload you with additional problem solving trivia, Februs. Nevertheless, perhaps you could whip Mr Marlowe into shape so he can be of some useful service to you hehe! Although, I can imagine it would take several thrashings from Miss Thrashbottom to whip him into shape!

You could narrate some stories for us. We're desperate for male voices and you did promise to get a microphone ... well, you did ask