The Scottish Condom

This doesn't have anything to do with spanking, but I couldn't resist posting it for the benefit of all my Scottish friends:

Sargent-Major Angus MacTavish, clad in kilt and kit, walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his shirt pocket, he carefully takes an oilcloth envelope, and unfolds it, revealing a lambskin condom that has been heavily used and washed, and which is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "Ian, laddie, how much to replace this?"

The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'd be ten pence." Then MacTavish asks, "How much to repair?" The proprietor looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Seven pence to repair." MacTavish ponders for a moment, carefully folds the condom back in its envelope, tucks it away in his pocket, and then says, "I'll be back tomorrow, Ian."

The next day, MacTavish returns to the Apothecary. When the proprietor comes to the counter, MacTavish draws himself up to his full height, takes the envelope from his pocket, carefully extracts the condom, lays it on the counter and says,

"Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

One of the very oldest, and very best bawdy jokes known to mankind. The punchline is best delivered in a terribly-staged Scottish accent and after imbibing several mugs of Scottish ale.

One time in a Scottish pub, I had a local tell me. (I wish I could duplicate the accent) "The definition of a Scottish gentleman is a man who owns a good set of pipes, and knows how to blow them well...but doesn't!"

Sounds to me like old Angus MacTavish needs to get the lubricated jobs.

I first heard that about 50 years ago at school.
But strangely enough a friend told it in the pub a couple of weeks ago.
The regiment must have decided to put it about again.

My wife has a Scottish auntie who tells the story against herself that a moth actually did fly out of her purse one day on a bus

Scottish hill farmers screw their sheep 359 days a year.

What about the other six?

They're bank holidays.