Don't you hate it when something almost works?

I can't get this song parody to scan right. I'm missing too many beats from the song... Can anyone see a way to fix it?

She smacked the bottom of a Irish Lad
But she caned the bottom of an English Man
Got over her lap and then kicked under her hand
Said, "baby, make my rear dance"

I meet her on Grafton street right outside of the bar
She shock a wicked strap at me while her own brother cried at the bar
She asked me what do you want, the strap or the brush from my arm?
Said it was one of my favourite things, do you want to spank on?
She used her hand as a taster, strap for my bum
She got me bent over a table with the cane cracking like a shotgun
Smacked me some more, sat down at the bar
Then put me over her knees there, made my rear dance

You know, she smacked the bottom of a Irish Lad
But she caned the bottom of an English Man
Got over her lap and then kicked under her hand
Said, "baby, make my rear dance""
With my pretty little domme girl
You're my pretty little domme girl

You know she beat me with a brush and then she beat me like a fool
And then she jerked me like there was nobody else in the room
As last orders were called was when she bent me o'er the stool
After spanking me to Kaleigh, had me crying new tunes
I never knew a red hot bottom ever felt so sweet
Another hand spanking using a song for the beat
Oh, I could have that hand landing on repeat for a week
And in this packed out room swear she was spanking only me

You know, she smacked the bottom of a Irish Lad
But she caned the bottom of an English Man
Got over her lap and then kicked under her hand
Said, "baby, make my rear dance"
With my pretty little domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl

And now we've outstayed our welcome and it's closing time
I was holding her hand, her hand was smacking mine
Our coats both smell of smoke, whisky and wine
As we fill up our lungs with the cold air of the night
I walked her home then she took me inside
To finish some caning OH that bottom of mine
I swear I'm gonna put you in a song that I write
About a domme girl and a perfect night

You know, she smacked the bottom of a Irish Lad
But she caned the bottom of an English Man
Got over her lap and then kicked under her hand
Said, "baby, make my rear dance"
With my pretty little domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl
My, my, my, my, my, my, my domme girl, hey

What's the original you're working from?

RosieRad
I would guess at Ed Sheerin's 'Galway Girl'.

I had a listen to Ed Sheerin's version whilst reading yours Goodgulf, and you're right...it almost works.

I noticed that young Mr Sheerin almost sing/raps the song and by doing so makes it possible to throw in a few half note pauses before coming back in on the off beat. He also adds a few syllables at the end of lines thereby going over or past the beat....again, this is a technique many rappers are fond of.

I would certainly consider changing 'a Irish lad' to 'an Irish lad' and where you have 'got' at the beginning of the third line of the chorus he has 'kissed'...a much longer and softer word. Perhaps you could change 'got' for 'went'.

In fact, this kind of swap may be applicable elsewhere in the song...short and hard for long and soft or vice versa.

Excellent parody though that only needs tweaked a bit.

Certainly a fine attempt, but as tysout says, the original is a sort of rap, with far more syllables of lyric than the music allows for, but in this sort of piece the rhythm and where the metrical feet land is more important than the rhyme.

Because the choruses are always the bit people remember it's worth trying at least to do that bit exactly as per the original stresses. The critical part of the chorus is the third line:
"Kissed her on the neck/and then I/took her by the hand' which is a sentence of three phrases with 5,3,& 5 syllables. If you can mimic this stress pattern then it feels more like the original, so that's the bit I would work most on, perhaps something like "I went on her lap/and then she/smacked me with her hand"

Having said that, precisely because it's a rap you could, like the original artist, not to stick exactly to the metre or even the beat, though anyone trying to sing along to such a song is in for some difficulty just making it nearly fit.

Anyway, it's a rather difficult song to rework, but you've made a pretty good job of it.

Thanks for all the advise.

Sigh.

I may end up abandoning this. It's just frustrating be able to get close, yet be so far.