A New Joke Thread

There were two racehorses sitting drinking in a pub, and one said to the other,"A funny thing happened to me at Newmarket the other day. I had a bit of an incompetent jockey and we were floundering along at the back of the field when suddenly I felt this pain up my bum and it gave me a burst of energy and I ran on and won the race."

"That's amazing" said the other. "Exactly the same thing happened to me at Chepstow. I was trailing at the back of the pack, suddenly felt this pain in the bum and ran on to win!"

At that point a greyhound approached them and said "Excuse me, I hope you don't mind, but I overheard your conversation, and I suffered a similar experience to the one you've just described. I was at White City, easily being outpaced by the other dogs, and thinking that it might even be my last race I was so useless; when suddenly I felt a sharp pain in the bum just as you mentioned. I was able to put on such a burst of speed that I ran ahead and caught the rabbit"

One of the horses turned to the other and said "Oh, look! a talking dog!"

OPB you have brought this thread back to what this site is all about.... PAINS IN THE BUM

An attractive young brunette appears at the gates of Heaven, asking to be admitted. St. Peter takes her into a reception room, and tells her he'll enroll her among the Host on one condition. "You seem to be a nice girl, but we're rather strict on sexual misconduct here. If you weren't married, you have to be a virgin."

She looks surprised. "I was going to be married, but I died before it happened..."

"So are you a virgin?" St. Peter asks. "St. Andrew, our heavenly gynecologist, will have to verify it, if you claim you are."

The girl hesitates before answering. "Well, uhhhh, sure...Basically, that is."

St. Peter sends her into an adjacent room, where she's examined thoroughly by St. Andrew. "Okay, get dressed and report back to St. Peter," he tells her afterward.

"What's wrong?" St. Peter asks when his colleague comes into the reception area. "She's not a virgin?"

St. Andrew shrugs. "Well, her maidenhead hasn't actually been penetrated, but there were numerous small indentations on its surface." He looks at a sketch he's made, then hands it to the archangel. "Seven different spots in total, slightly pushed inward--but not broken."

"So she's technically still a virgin?" St. Peter demands.

The other angel nods. "Yes, she is--it's just rather curious, that's all."

St. Peter picks up the heavenly register. "I'll go by your opinion, we can't keep her out based on a few little dents in her maidenhead."

Just then the brunette, dressed again, enters the room. "Am I okay to come into Heaven?" she asks anxiously.

"Sure," St. Peter confirms, taking his pen in hand. "What's your name, young lady?"

Her voice sounds relieved. "Snow White..." --C.K.

There are two old subs / bottoms who enjoy going to parties. But they're getting on a bit and are starting to worry about the future and the afterlife. So they make a deal: the first one to die will come back to haunt the other and tell her if there are spanking parties in heaven.

Eventually one does die and, true to her word, comes back to haunt the other.

"I've got good news and bad news for you," she explains. "The good news is that there are indeed spanking parties in heaven. The bad news is that I've brought you your first invite: its for 12 of the best, tomorrow night!"

At the zoo, the Chief Primate Keeper was deep in discussion with the Managing Director.

"I'm telling you, that gorilla is getting more cantankerous by the day. She's in heat and she needs a mate badly. If we don't get her one soon, there's no telling what might happen."

"It's impossible!" the director replied. "We simply don't have enough money in the budget to buy a male gorilla."

"Well something's got to be done," the keeper insisted.

"Leave it with me and I'll think about it," the director offered. "Perhaps I can come up with a cheaper solution."

Later in the day, the director summoned Pete, the man who's job it was to clean out the cages. Pete was a rough sort of bloke, and the director was fairly sure he didn't have a girlfriend. Even so, it was not easy to broach the subject.

"Pete, I've got a proposition to put to you. It's rather an unusual one, but I'm just going to come straight out with it. Would you be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £200?"

Pete scratched his head for a moment. "Well that sounds like a generous offer, but I'm not sure. I'd have to consider it carefully.."

"Of course you would," the director replied amiably. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off, have a good think about it, and then let me know your decision tomorrow?"

The next day, Pete reported back to the director. "I've decided to accept your offer," he told him, "but on one condition."

"And what's that?"

"I'm a bit skint at the moment. You'll have to give me a few days to raise the £200."

how do you make your wife scream when you're giving a spanking?

call her and tell her.

"John," said the bartender to one of his regular customers, "Why do you look so upset?"

"You know my girlfriend who has been living with me for the past year?" John replied, "I came home early today and found her having sex with my best friend right in the living room."

"That's tough," the bartender said, "What did you say to her?"

"I told her that we were through, to pack up and leave," John said, "I said that that was the final straw."

"What did you say to your best friend?" the bartender asked.

John replied, "I looked him right in the eye and said, 'Baaaaad dog'."

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people actually said in court, taken down and now published by court reporters:

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said:" Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the sate of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: Then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Why are preacher's kids so mean? They learn it from playing with the deacon's kids.

Ronald McDonald went to see the Pope. "Your Holiness," he said, "I will donate ten million dollars to the church if you will change the words of the Lord's prayer so that, instead if it saying, 'Give us this day our daily bread,' it would say, 'Give us this day our daily hamburger.' "
"Ronald, my son," replied the Pope, "I can not change the text of the holy scripture, even for ten million dollars."
"I'll make it a hundred million dollars!"
"I will call the Cardinals together, and we will see what we can do."
When the Cardinals were in session, the Pope said, "I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. We're canceling our deal with Wonder Bread."