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A New Joke Thread

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AlanBarr
Male Author

England
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Posts: 657
#11 | Posted: 6 Jun 2013 13:31
It was the talk of the village when the 80 year old farmer married a 20 year old, but a week after the wedding he went to see his doctor.

"Doc, I can't keep me 'ands off me wife!" he complained.

The doctor smiled. "Well, you are newly married, and she is a remarkably attractive young woman. It's only to be expected really. Come back in a week and we'll see how things are then."

The farmer returned a week later.

"How are things now?" the doctor enquired.

"Much better! I sacked the 'ands and bought a combine 'arvester instead."

Bogiephil1
Male Author

USA
Posts: 631
#12 | Posted: 6 Jun 2013 19:22
A doctor's long-time patient was a 86-year-old man who had recently married a 28-year-old woman. He was curious about the marriage and asked his patient how things were going.

"Oh great, Doctor!" the patient enthused. "I haven't had sex in twenty years before I met Betty but I picked up right where I left off! It's been great, in fact, she's pregnant already!"

The doctor looked dubious, angering the old man.

"What's the matter? Don't you think I could get her pregnant because of my age?" he demanded.

The doctor responded with a hypothetical story:

"A man lived in the country and he went for a long walk with his dog every day. He was a hunter and always took his rifle with him along with his walking stick. One day it was raining and he took his walking stick and grabbed his umbrella instead of the rifle. As he walked along, he noticed the creek rising and, sometime down the path, noticed a beaver dam, newly constructed, blocking the creek. He saw a large male beaver gnawing at a small tree and decided to shoot it. Remembering that he neglected to bring his rifle, he sighed, then held the walking stick up and sighted down the length of the stick as though aiming his rifle at the beaver. He said "BANG!" loudly and, to his surprise, he heard a shot and the beaver toppled over dead. Now, what do you think really happened?" he asked his patient.

The old man frowned for a moment and then exclaimed "Somebody else shot that beaver!"

The doctor winked and smiled at his patient and said "I hope you got a good pre-nup, Joe..."

Wheatwine
Male Author

USA
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Posts: 410
#13 | Posted: 6 Jun 2013 20:22
While Johnny's friend looked on, his mom lowered his pants and underpants, and turned him over her knee. She raised her hairbrush high, and just before it descended on his bare bottom for the first of many licks, Johnny said to his friend, "And you wonder why I don't like dames."

opb
Male Author

England
Posts: 998
#14 | Posted: 6 Jun 2013 20:29
What's brown and sticky?






A stick

ErikSisd
Male Member

Wales
Posts: 16
#15 | Posted: 6 Jun 2013 22:56
Two poets die and go to heaven on the same day. But St. Peter tells them that they've filled the quote of poets for the day and that there is just one space left - someone would have to go back to earth for another day. Both men got excited about this idea, as they both loved their bohemian lifestyles. They couldn't agree who'd go back. St. Peter settles it by declaring that they'd have to have a poetry contest to decide: each man had to come up with a poem involving the word Timbuktu.

They both sat down and started thinking hard. After a while, the first man says he has a poem. St. Peter asks to hear it. It went like this:

"Gazing across the burning sands,
Looking off into distant lands,
A camel caravan files into view,
destination Timbuktu"

"Well done!" says St. Peter. "but you'll have to wait for the other gentleman and see what he comes up with."

The other man gets quite nervous. He's got to find a rhythm and better the first poem to win. After a while, he says he has one. St. Peter asks to hear it. It went something like this:

"Tim and I went hunting when,
We spied three maidens in a glen.
They were three and we were two,
so I buck one and Tim buck two!"





(try telling that one when you're drunk!)

smeple
Male Author

USA
Posts: 317
#16 | Posted: 7 Jun 2013 05:38
A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down horse's legs, bum and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when we buy horses, we have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before we buy."

The boy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think, the next door neighbour wants to buy Mom!"

smeple
Male Author

USA
Posts: 317
#17 | Posted: 7 Jun 2013 05:40
And one more. . .

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up and noticed
Patient #2's face was all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

nibra
Male Author

England
Posts: 79
#18 | Posted: 7 Jun 2013 08:20
Told to me by a friend

A married businessman had been having an affaire with an Italian lady for a number of years then one day she told him that she was pregnant.
The man became quite anxious so told his girl friend to return to Italy, have the baby and let him know when it was born. Meanwhile he gave a a goodly sum and promised to maintain she and the baby.
"How will I let you know?" she asked.
Send me a postcard with the word "Spaghetti."
So that is what they did.
Some months later he returned home from his business to find his wife holding a postcard."This is very strange," she said,"what do you make of it?"
She handed him the card and he fainted.
His wife picked up the card and reread it. It said.
'Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Two with meat balls. Three without. Please send more sauce.'

jools
Female Author

New_Zealand
Posts: 801
#19 | Posted: 7 Jun 2013 09:47
Three golfing buddies, Joe, Dave and Sam were sharing a ride home after an excellent game, when they were tragically killed in an accident.

Dave appears at the Pearly gates first. St Peter asks him an important question which will determine what sort of car he will drive, and what restaurants he may dine in in Heaven. "Were you faithful to your wife?" St Peter asks him.

Dave giggles, "Sorry St Peter, I was a rather naughty boy, but I deeply regret my ten affairs now."

St Peter informs him him, "It's good you feel some remorse now Dave but I am afraid you will have to drive a Lada, and you may only dine at Dennys."

Next to arrive at the pearly gates is Joe. St Peter asks him the same question and Joe replies, "I am very very sorry to have to say that I cheated on my much loved wife on one occasion when I was very very drunk. It is something I have always regretted."

St Peter tells him, "Joe, you will be driving a Toyota Camry and you may dine at any buffet restaurant of your choice."

Next to arrive is Sam and he is asked the same question as his friends. Sam replies, "I never ever cheated on my beloved wife, she was the love of my life and I'd never risk my marriage for a cheap affair! I am a firm believer in fidelity!"

St Peter replies, "Now that is what I like to hear, Sam. For your wonderful values you will be rewarded with a brand spanking new Ferrari convertible and you may dine at any gourmet restaurant of our choice."

Sam is delighted and can't wait to show his friends his new wheels.

The 3 friends continued to meet regularly for golf and everyone was very happy with life in Heaven until one day, Joe and Dave, on their way to golf, see Sam's flash red Ferrari parked at the side of the road. Puzzled, but assuming it must have broken down, they pull over to see what is wrong. They see Sam sitting on the curb and notice he is crying hysterically. Simultaneously, his friends ask him, "What's wrong Sam?"

When Sam is finally able to speak he hiccoughs, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard, eating McDonalds!"

njrick
Male Author

USA
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Posts: 2971
#20 | Posted: 7 Jun 2013 13:07
An 83-year-old man had a routine check-up with a new doctor. At the conclusion, the doctor said, "Are you really 83? With your health and vigor, I wouldn't have pegged you for older than 60."

"Well, yes, doctor," his patient replied. "I do try to remain active - running in marathons and such. Last year I climbed Mt. Everest. And I suppose it helps that I come from long-lived stock."

"Oh really?" asked the doctor, now curious. "So how old was your father when he died?"

The old man looked puzzled. "Did I say my father died?"

The doctor was taken aback. "You mean you father is still alive? He must be...what...?"

"!08 last month, and going strong. He still goes to work every day as a machinist. He doesn't take any overtime these days - says he wants to enjoy himself. But he's a hardy sort. I suppose he takes after my grandfather."

"That's impressive," replied the doctor. "Longevity often runs in families. So your grandfather had a long life too? How old was he when he died?"

Again the patient looked puzzled. "Did I say my grandfather died?"

"No, you're not going to tell me that your grandfather is still living. Really? That's simply amazing!"

"Yep," the old man said, nodding. "Gramps is pretty amazing. He just turned 134 yesterday. And you know what? He's going to be getting married next week, to a sweet young thing of 22."

"Your 134-year-old grandfather is taking a bride?" asked the incredulous doctor. "Now why would he want to get married, at his age?"

Once more the patient looked puzzled. "Did I say that Gramps WANTED to get married?"

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