A New Joke Thread

I heard this joke in an orchestral context - classical musicians love to make jokes about viola players, and this was a race between a slow violist, a fast violist, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny...

I've also been told that Danes and Swedes make ethnic jokes about each other. One I heard in Denmark was "Why do Swedes never play hide-and-seek? Because who would want to find a Swede?"

PhilK

Oh yes. In Sweden we also make jokes which involve Danes. Here is a "triple-header":

A Swedish farmer and a Norwegian farmer were visiting a Danish farmer on his farm in Denmark. The Danish farmer, wishing to be a gracious host, suggested that they play a game. Just for the fun of it.

The game would go like this. Each of the three farmers would go into the pigsty alone in succession. The one of the three farmers who was able to put up with the stench in the pigsty and stay in there for the longest period of time would win the contest and would be rewarded with a bottle of the Danish farmer´s very best Akvavit.

The brave Swedish farmer goes in first and the other two stand waiting outside with a stopwatch and grins on their faces. After one minute the Swedish farmer comes running out of the pigsty and cries in anguish "Oooh! The pig farted!"

Then the Norwegian farmer swaggers into the pigsty. After two minutes he comes running out of the pigsty and cries in agony "Ooooh! The pig farted!"

Then the Danish farmer chuckles to himself and marches into the pigsty. After ten minutes the pig comes running out of the pigsty and squeals desperately "Ooooh! That horrible Dane farted!"

Quite interesting. We tell the same joke in Norway, but with the Dane and the Norwegian interchanged. We actually consider the Norwegian farmer a hero for managing to out-fart the pig. No such thing for the delicate Swedes!

Alef

The point of the version of that joke which has the Danish farmer out-farting the pig is, but of course, that the Danish farmers really ought to be the champions in that "sport", given the fact that swine-raising is a specialty of Danish agriculture (Just think of all the imported Danish bacon they eat in Britain!) I just can´t fathom how those Danish farmers can put up with the stench in those gigantic pig-sties?

I guess that some people will do anything for money!

A man consults with a psychiatrist.

The man tells the shrink "Doc, I am worried. Yesterday I screwed a horse."

The shrink asks "A stallion or a mare?"

The patient replies indignantly "A mare of course! I´m not a pervert!"

(I hope I have not offended anybody´s feelings. I am not in reality a homophobe. This is just supposed to be a joke!)

I heard one similar .
A man visits a psychiatrist and tells the shrink he is obsessed with sex.
The doctor draws a vertical line and asks the man what does that remind him of.
He says, "A man."
The doctor draws another vertical line and asks the same question.
The man replies, "A woman."
The doctor then draws a horizontal line connecting the two and asks what does that remind him of.
The man says, "He's having sex with her."
The psychiatrist says, "You really are obsessed with sex!"
The man answers, "Me? You're the one drawing all those dirty pictures!

And here's one that fits well here, as it features a red bottom, though not from spanking,

Lura ,Duchess of Killarney, was vacationing at a beach resort on the Black Sea and decided to sunbathe nude. As a result she suffered a bad sunburn on her bottom which normally was covered by her bikini.
Meanwhile some friends had invited her on a horseback tour of the Urals. Not wishing to tell them what had happened to her and not really wishing to lie either, she asked her husband for advice.
He said, "Tour all Urals, Lura? Too raw, Lura.Lie.!"

( Thats an old Irish song melody, for anyone not getting it.)

About three weeks ago I posted my very best "Norway joke" here. It was well-received. And I have not yet been lynched by any mob of angry Norwegians. So I might as well "return to the well". Here are several more choice Norway jokes.

1) What is the easiest way to sink a Norwegian submarine?
Answer: You scuba dive down to the sub and just knock on the hatch! (Yoohoo! Anybody home? Blub,
blub, blub.) )
2) Ya know why they had to close the one and only library in all of Norway?
Answer: Coz some rotter stole the book! (Yes good folks - Norwegians can read.)
3) Have you seen the sign at the communal swimming pool in Oslo?
It reads: "For your own safety - do not dive into the pool when empty!" (Lucky thing for the
Norwegians that they can read! )
4) What is an easy way to drive a Norwegian crazy?
Place him in the center of a circular room and tell him that there is a bottle of whiskey in the corner!
("To everything - turn, turn, turn" as the Byrds used to sing! )

What's an easy way to drive an Australian aborigine crazy?

Give him a new boomerang.

How does having a new boomerang drive him crazy?

It doesn't - but when he tries to throw his old boomerang away...!

What if he was called Charlie Drake?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AyotLiqJdg